it's so obvious / it's here it's there

Monday, August 07, 2006

The 'No Shit, Sherlock' Update

1. You can't trust your doctor,

2. Having three levels of government is uneconomic, and

3. Nobody's interested in watching a gormless 30-something HR manager shoe-horn some poor bastard into a loveless marriage.

YOU HEARD IT HERE LAST

...but it's time for the press to face facts: Howard’s back in for the next election – and for the next term as Prime Minister.

Witness the absurd delusions of the press, as they continue to perpetuate the idea that Labor have even the slimmest fucking chance. I reckon there’s better odds on a combined Lindsay Lohan / Mel Gibson Best Actor/Actress bifecta at the next Academy Awards™.

Example: “JOHN Howard and Peter Costello will fight their fifth — and possibly toughest — election as a team,” says Gratts, possibly Australia’s most lauded political journo.

Tough for whom?!? For those who are indulging in such outrageous flights of fantasy, and who honestly believe that the federal Labor opposition are anything more than a bickering brigade of blowhard buffoons, is my guess.

So here is the It’s So Obvious Guide to Why Labor Will be Beaten Like a Rented Mule at Election 2007:

1. Howard’s unassailable popularity

2. Labor have no ideas

3. For some reason, they will go to the election with the unelectable Beazley
Problems:
• 'Middle Australia' thinks he is yesterday’s news and ineffectual
• The commentariat (and anyone else who cares) has read the Latham Diaries and know what a rank hypocrite ol' Wheezin Beaz is.

4. The economic gang-bang that provided the ‘Generation Me’ Liberal voting groundswell is coming to an end without Labor managing to make Howard wear the consequences.

Never fear: the political ledger will be balanced when Victoria re-elects the Bracks government in November for another three years of needless meddling, Claytons socialism, and geyser-like pissing of taxpayers hard earned cashola against the wall in PPP’s and Cash-4-Mates.

And here’s a taste of things to come: Andrew Landeryou, controversial ex-ALP hack and one of my fave bloggers, dishes the dirt from one of my favourite boozersMeyers Place in the Siddy.

Victorian Premier Steve Bracks is seriously considering appointing controversial former ALP state secretary and Socialist Left militant Erik Locke to the Premier's Chief of Staff post if the Government is re-elected in November.

Landeryou states that Locke is ‘unfit to hold office’. I posit that he’d therefore fit right in with the rest of the wankers at 1 Treasury.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I don't usually 'do' cheap shots, but...

The LA Times can reveal:

Open Mike Catches Bush's Disdain for Hezbollah

During a conversation with British Prime Minister Tony Blair about ways that [they]...might help resolve the ongoing warfare between Israeli troops and Hezbollah guerrillas in Lebanon, Bush put it this way: "See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit, and it's over."

As a counter-point, I must say that you didn't hear all the nice things he was saying before then (ie. Hezbollah members dress good, have hot wives, etc). More analysis here.

Of course, this all begs the question: what have we been missing all this time?

IMAGINED OVERHEARD CONVERSATIONS OF WORLD LEADERS

DONALD RUMSFELD: "Nice 'tache, dude. Wanna buy some ICBMs?"














GEORGE W. BUSH: "I hear you guys did real good at the NBA play-offs this year..."
(pause)
GWB: "D'oh!"










THE BADDIES: "Freedom's for pussies! Hahaha!"












HULUN CLARKE: "Enough talkung. I'm gunna git me sucks peck from the chully bun!"
THE PRIME MINISTER: "eh?"













ELSEWHERE: Oprah's gone lez!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

RAT DACKED BY COSTELLO TURKEY-SLAP

Ouch! Things have gotten a tad interesting in federal politics for the first time since Biff shaved his scone and went feral – and we’re all Lovin’ It™.

The Rodent has finally been shown the folly of his reflexive bullshit-artistry, but other than that, all this noise won’t change a thing. Federal Labor (who?) remain as irrelevant to the electorate as ever, and Wheezin’ Beaz can’t summon the enthusiasm to smother us with his usual hot wind, thanks to the Kirribilli Agreement.
ABOVE: A relic from a bygone era

What’s been interesting has been watching Lib Lovers everywhere scrambling for a rock to cling to, as the First Couple are torn asunder.

Renowned dickhead Glenn Milne provided a welcome source of light relief last night on the 7:30 Report, as he assured his long-coveted position in any future Costello Prime Ministerial Office whilst ostensibly providing ‘analysis’.

Meanwhile, Howard fanciers are baying for blood (with Bronnie Bishop leading the charge on last night's Lateline), whilst in some quarters it’s enough of a defence to point out that, when it comes to nasty deals and knifed backs, Labor are King.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Parrot punch-up

Today's headlines:

ABC directors accused of intervening to scrap Jones book

Tomorrow:

Alan Jones shortlisted for appointment to ABC board

Later:

Exhumed corpse of Mussolini appointed to ABC board

"I am looking forward to reviewing editorial bias on ABC's Landline," says decomposed Italian dictator. "If I retreat, kill me."

etc. (lollerskates!)

Monday, July 03, 2006

The woman depicted in that blurry, night-vision image was clearly being assaulted...

...and I'm Gretel Killeen.

Re: Turkey-slap-gate, would Australia just (ahem) keep its pants on?

The whole incident was captured on roughly 50 cameras, and the offenders will presumably be appropriately lambasted in the media. What's the big deal?

Oh but wait - no crime actually occurred. Could this be a Ten publicity stunt to slow BB06's ratings slide? Almost definitely - 1.5 million viewers last night, anybody? AND another excuse for both sides of politics to stridently demonstrate their complete lack of trust in the individual to discern what is appropriate viewing material for them and theirs.

LEFT: Your correspondent speaks with the alleged penis assailants

Heartening to observe some quarters of the blogosphere/commentariat lose its shit completely, without having any idea of what occurred. Observe various nitwits in Ausculture's comments going off á la The Age's 'Yoursay'; blaming everything from Video Hits to Warwick Capper for the penissy outrage.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Not content to just be 'united by the moment'...

While our brand of football is clearly world class – despite the best efforts of consecutive myopic referees – our politicians aren’t fit for the fucking Kiwis.

As the smoke from the Fed Square flares cleared (and those responsible arrested, naturally), Spring Street’s opportunistic onanists had already sniffed the breeze. You guessed it:

Bracks backs bid to host World Cup

Nobody ever lost an election selling sport to Victorians: Theivin’ Steve'll put the sheepstation on it.

UPDATE:
"My fellow Australians: I, too, am pleased with the efforts of these 'soccer roos', as you can see in this completely un-staged track-suit shot (for immediate release)."