it's so obvious / it's here it's there

The 'No Shit, Sherlock' Update

2006-08-07T16:53:00.000+09:30

2. Having three levels of government is uneconomic, and

3. Nobody's interested in watching a gormless 30-something HR manager shoe-horn some poor bastard into a loveless marriage.

YOU HEARD IT HERE LAST

2006-08-07T15:27:00.000+09:30

...but it's time for the press to face facts: Howard’s back in for the next election – and for the next term as Prime Minister.

Witness the absurd delusions of the press, as they continue to perpetuate the idea that Labor have even the slimmest fucking chance. I reckon there’s better odds on a combined Lindsay Lohan / Mel Gibson Best Actor/Actress bifecta at the next Academy Awards™.

Example: “JOHN Howard and Peter Costello will fight their fifth — and possibly toughest — election as a team,” says Gratts, possibly Australia’s most lauded political journo.

Tough for whom?!? For those who are indulging in such outrageous flights of fantasy, and who honestly believe that the federal Labor opposition are anything more than a bickering brigade of blowhard buffoons, is my guess.

So here is the It’s So Obvious Guide to Why Labor Will be Beaten Like a Rented Mule at Election 2007:

1. Howard’s unassailable popularity

2. Labor have no ideas

3. For some reason, they will go to the election with the unelectable Beazley
Problems:
• 'Middle Australia' thinks he is yesterday’s news and ineffectual
• The commentariat (and anyone else who cares) has read the Latham Diaries and know what a rank hypocrite ol' Wheezin Beaz is.

4. The economic gang-bang that provided the ‘Generation Me’ Liberal voting groundswell is coming to an end without Labor managing to make Howard wear the consequences.

Never fear: the political ledger will be balanced when Victoria re-elects the Bracks government in November for another three years of needless meddling, Claytons socialism, and geyser-like pissing of taxpayers hard earned cashola against the wall in PPP’s and Cash-4-Mates.

And here’s a taste of things to come: Andrew Landeryou, controversial ex-ALP hack and one of my fave bloggers, dishes the dirt from one of my favourite boozers – Meyers Place in the Siddy.

Victorian Premier Steve Bracks is seriously considering appointing controversial former ALP state secretary and Socialist Left militant Erik Locke to the Premier's Chief of Staff post if the Government is re-elected in November.

Landeryou states that Locke is ‘unfit to hold office’. I posit that he’d therefore fit right in with the rest of the wankers at 1 Treasury.

I don't usually 'do' cheap shots, but...

2006-07-18T15:26:00.000+09:30

The LA Times can reveal:

Open Mike Catches Bush's Disdain for Hezbollah

During a conversation with British Prime Minister Tony Blair about ways that [they]...might help resolve the ongoing warfare between Israeli troops and Hezbollah guerrillas in Lebanon, Bush put it this way: "See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit, and it's over."

As a counter-point, I must say that you didn't hear all the nice things he was saying before then (ie. Hezbollah members dress good, have hot wives, etc). More analysis here.

Of course, this all begs the question: what have we been missing all this time?

IMAGINED OVERHEARD CONVERSATIONS OF WORLD LEADERS

DONALD RUMSFELD: "Nice 'tache, dude. Wanna buy some ICBMs?"

GEORGE W. BUSH: "I hear you guys did real good at the NBA play-offs this year..."
(pause)
GWB: "D'oh!"

THE BADDIES: "Freedom's for pussies! Hahaha!"

HULUN CLARKE: "Enough talkung. I'm gunna git me sucks peck from the chully bun!"
THE PRIME MINISTER: "eh?"

ELSEWHERE: Oprah's gone lez!

RAT DACKED BY COSTELLO TURKEY-SLAP

2006-07-11T13:01:00.000+09:30

Ouch! Things have gotten a tad interesting in federal politics for the first time since Biff shaved his scone and went feral – and we’re all Lovin’ It™.

The Rodent has finally been shown the folly of his reflexive bullshit-artistry, but other than that, all this noise won’t change a thing. Federal Labor (who?) remain as irrelevant to the electorate as ever, and Wheezin’ Beaz can’t summon the enthusiasm to smother us with his usual hot wind, thanks to the Kirribilli Agreement.
ABOVE: A relic from a bygone era

What’s been interesting has been watching Lib Lovers everywhere scrambling for a rock to cling to, as the First Couple are torn asunder.

Renowned dickhead Glenn Milne provided a welcome source of light relief last night on the 7:30 Report, as he assured his long-coveted position in any future Costello Prime Ministerial Office whilst ostensibly providing ‘analysis’.

Meanwhile, Howard fanciers are baying for blood (with Bronnie Bishop leading the charge on last night's Lateline), whilst in some quarters it’s enough of a defence to point out that, when it comes to nasty deals and knifed backs, Labor are King.

Parrot punch-up

2006-07-04T11:06:00.000+09:30

Today's headlines:

ABC directors accused of intervening to scrap Jones book

Tomorrow:

Alan Jones shortlisted for appointment to ABC board

Later:

Exhumed corpse of Mussolini appointed to ABC board

"I am looking forward to reviewing editorial bias on ABC's Landline," says decomposed Italian dictator. "If I retreat, kill me."

etc. (lollerskates!)

The woman depicted in that blurry, night-vision image was clearly being assaulted...

2006-07-03T15:46:00.000+09:30

...and I'm Gretel Killeen.

Re: Turkey-slap-gate, would Australia just (ahem) keep its pants on?

The whole incident was captured on roughly 50 cameras, and the offenders will presumably be appropriately lambasted in the media. What's the big deal?

Oh but wait - no crime actually occurred. Could this be a Ten publicity stunt to slow BB06's ratings slide? Almost definitely - 1.5 million viewers last night, anybody? AND another excuse for both sides of politics to stridently demonstrate their complete lack of trust in the individual to discern what is appropriate viewing material for them and theirs.

LEFT: Your correspondent speaks with the alleged penis assailants

Heartening to observe some quarters of the blogosphere/commentariat lose its shit completely, without having any idea of what occurred. Observe various nitwits in Ausculture's comments going off á la The Age's 'Yoursay'; blaming everything from Video Hits to Warwick Capper for the penissy outrage.

Not content to just be 'united by the moment'...

2006-06-23T16:44:00.000+09:30

While our brand of football is clearly world class – despite the best efforts of consecutive myopic referees – our politicians aren’t fit for the fucking Kiwis.

As the smoke from the Fed Square flares cleared (and those responsible arrested, naturally), Spring Street’s opportunistic onanists had already sniffed the breeze. You guessed it:

Bracks backs bid to host World Cup

Nobody ever lost an election selling sport to Victorians: Theivin’ Steve'll put the sheepstation on it.

UPDATE:
"My fellow Australians: I, too, am pleased with the efforts of these 'soccer roos', as you can see in this completely un-staged track-suit shot (for immediate release)."

Plod strikes again

2006-06-13T16:54:00.000+09:30

Having just suffered another needless intervention by the all-seeing, all-knowing Bracks Police-state Apparatus (speed cameras mounted on traffic lights – who knew?), I was tickled to read this in the VACC’s Auto Industry News:

A highway patrol pulled over a WorkCover Inspector for doing 68kph in a 60 zone in Tullamarine, Victoria. The WorkCover Inspector said nothing as he reluctantly accepted the fine. The policeman finished writing the ticket and proceeded back to his car. The WorkCover Inspector in the meantime pulled a digital camera out of his bag, photographed the office and proceeded to the police car where he issued the officer with an $800 fine for not wearing his high-visibility vest when leaving his vehicle in a high traffic area.

Support for War Dwindling to Five Guys Named 'Cletus'

2006-06-07T14:51:00.000+09:30

Those familiar with the wonderful world of neo-conservative-entertainment-masqerading-as-fact that is FOX (all-caps theirs) News may be familiar with “The O’Reilly Factor”; the op-ed segment that's hosted by notorious Republican mouthpiece Bill O’Reilly when he’s not, say, allegedly sexually harassing his co-workers (settled out of court for undisclosed sum – Thanks, Uncle Rupe).

You may also remember Bill from such films as ‘Outfoxed’, where he was famously shown telling the anti-war son of a 9/11 victim to “shut up”, and later threatening to hit him.

Well, while I was casually perusing “The O’Reilly Factor” webpage (taking time out from such other pleasurable activities as forcing teaspoons into my anus), I noticed that the ol’ boy’s changed his tune on Iraq some:

THEN: On February 26, 2003 he said:

Once the war against Saddam Hussein begins, we expect every American to support our military, and if you can't do that, just shut up. Americans, and indeed our foreign allies who actively work against our military once the war is underway, will be considered enemies of the state by me.

NOW:

But Iraq should be a lesson learned. We cannot ever again put American boots on the ground in a hostile Arab country. Iraq was an optional war. There will always be or there were other ways, I should say, of removing Saddam.

Bill O'Reilly is the political equivalent of Annabel Chong. Anybody who disagrees with me should SHUT UP.

shudders

2006-04-20T16:52:00.000+09:30

Via Wikinews, Blogger.com hosts its first alleged murderer:

Kevin Ray Underwood, the suspect in the murder of 10-year-old Jamie Rose Bolin of Purcell, Oklahoma, reportedly kept a weblog in which he joked about cannibalism, discussed the effects of not taking his prescribed medicine, and talked about "dangerously weird" fantasies.

His relatively benign -looking blog is here. Creepy!

Ghost town

2006-04-20T13:16:00.000+09:30

As a recent visitor to Russia and a reluctant advocate of nuclear power, the Chernobyl incident is quite a powerful story.

The incident occurred roughly twenty years ago, and will have caused the death of thousands and affected the lives of millions more. Not the least of these being the Welsh farmers whose properties are still worthless, despite being at the furthest extent of the fallout.

Two notable individuals were the "liquidators" who put on wetsuits, and dove into the flooded basement of Reactor 4 to release the radioactive water through a valve, preventing an enormous thermal reaction. They were not told of the dangers involved, and died whilst still under water.

Gorby has recently written – beigely – about the effect of the incident on the nuclear-reliant Soviet Union.

A more interesting examination, I think you’ll find, is within cult website ‘Kidd of Speed’. It documents a young Ukrainian motorbike enthusiast's travels through the Chernobyl area. She enters the ‘Ghost Town’, which remains like a tomb preserving Soviet life in the 80s; presumably for the next 900 years when the area will become habitable again. The image at the top was taken from this site, and shows the 'welcome' sign at the outskirts of the town.

Every dog has its day

2006-04-11T11:36:00.000+09:30

The skanky ho has a point: what the fuck is a conservative gumment doing providing such massive middle-class welfare? Oh, electoral pork barrelling? Well carry on, then.

Change the entry in your PC-o-fax

2006-04-06T10:13:00.000+09:30

And there I was thinking stripping was an exploitative manifestation of our patriarchal society.

Suicide Girls, the celebrated pay-per-view indie soft-porn site is coming to town in the form of a burlesque show, and we're supposed to be out of our minds with the titillating acceptability of it all.

And the best thing is that it's empowering!! (says someone called 'Fanny Suicide' so, you know, take it with a grain of salt or three.)

Yes, 'empowerment'; that word that we can thank for fat girls who get their baps out at peace rallies. So, despite the inescapable truth that someone is paying someone else* to remove their clothes, as long as its being enjoyed by appropriate hep-cats and faux-mosexuals in an ironic fashion, then it's entirely kosher. Keeping in mind of course that its these same cultural stasi that like to beat up on anybody who indulges in porn in its many alternative forms.
* $41+booking fee

One wonders what would happen if someone was to, say, head down to the Suicide Girls show and unironically jack off. Any takers?

Ben Lee glassed for the betterment of society

2006-04-04T13:31:00.000+09:30

Ben Lee attempts to explain away a well-deserved glassing he received in WA:

"They just seemed agitated and very aggressive and we put that down to the excessive consumption of alcohol prior to the event and the illicit drug use," he told ABC Radio.."

Note the clever sidestepping of such alternative reasons as "I'm a complete shithead who deserved it". For more information, see The Rage in Placid Lake.

Enjoy the Games

2006-03-21T17:04:00.000+10:30

‘Its so obvies’ has been on a brief break from blogging for the last week or so; in part due to the indefatigable truth represented by the venn diagram below, and in part due to a complete disinterest in current affairs so long as they are dominated by the fucking Commonwealth Games.
Remember that smug little kid who would invite you round purely so he could smack down your non-Nintendo-owning arse on Mario Bros?

That’s us, Melbourne - we're that kid: “Hey athletes from the countries round the world not initially strong enough to smite the imperialist Brits from your shores initially, and too gutless to have since cast off the mantle of empire…(sharp inhalation). Wanna come round and see who can run fastest? Swim further? Etc?”

The scoreboard says it all: pwned, n00bs.

Meanwhile monarchist toadying, rabid populism and crippling inconvenience for workers is what is left for those who couldn't give a fuck. Hey, we're only paying for it, right?

Early concerns have arisen about the large cost of staging the Games, with projected costs likely to be over 1 billion Australian dollars and a high likelihood the state government will have to cover the expense. The cost has been described in local media as excessive for what many regard as a non-premier sports event.

(via the possibly inaccurate Wikipedia)

As if that's not enough, we're required to 'celebrate' the trevails of such tax-sponging AIS brats as Jana Pittman and frigging Ian Thorpe via the dribble-splattered warblings of Channel Nine's finest. A saving grace, I should allow, is the various cultural events which have been put on, I imagine, to sate local taxpaying poofters, luvvies, etc.

UPDATE 26/3: They've rolled out Dame Edna for the closing ceremony! Forget I said anything!

The world's gone Oscars™-wild

2006-03-03T13:56:00.000+10:30

Barely able to contain your enthusiasm about the forthcoming 78th Academy Awards, yet uncertain as to who will take home the bickies?

In-keeping with my love of all things diagrammatic, Encyclopedia Hanasiana provides a handy guide, via the venn below:

Jake Gyllenhaal and Health Ledger were apparently convincing in Brokeback Mountain (gay), whilst Joaquin Phoenix made a brilliant (yet oddly pathetic) Johnny Cash (famous). But as the Venn says - PSH combines the two in Capote, and so must win the prize.

See if the Venn lies... JUST YOU SEE!!!

Good one Steyn, you absolute cock

2006-02-16T20:58:00.000+10:30

A couple of days ago, Danna Vale MP's comments regarding the RU486 issue raised some ire. Here's Danna:

I've actually read in the Daily Telegraph where a certain imam from the Lakemba mosque actually said that Australia is going to be a Muslim nation in 50 years' time...we are aborting ourselves almost out of existence by a 100,000 abortions every year. You multiply that by 50 years, that's 5 million potential Australians we won't have here.

Well Mark Steyne, "Canadian humorist", has a real pissa of an opinion for us Aussies:

I salute Danna Vale. You don't have to agree with her argument that Australia's aborting itself out of recognition and that therefore Islam will inherit by default to think it's worth asking a couple of questions.

I'll spare you the questions. Suffice to say the the answers more or less line up with Vale's presupposition.

I don't know about you, but when I bring children into the world, I'd like to be doing it for more, ah, altrusitic reasons than outspawning them terrorists.

I can't wait for bed-wetting xenophobic fuckwits like these to be piffed into the same mulchbin of history as those who were so sure that the chinaman would ruin us.

UPDATE: More support for Vale's theory from the far-flung corners of the Rightosphere; and once again from the Oz (!!!): Angela Shanahan, via Gianna.

Terrorism, poverty, foreign debt, and the fact that our entire economy is owned by the chinee "irrelevant" say the nation's leaders

2006-02-10T15:17:00.000+10:30

Australia faces no bigger threat than that from pot smoking, say State Premiers and the Prime Minister at the Council of Australian Governments (COAG) meeting.

I’d submit that the biggest threat our country faces is from the tyrannical obsessives of both political stripes that strive to dictate what we do with and take into our various orifices.

Hear me now, statist fussbudgets: FUCK OFF.

*tokes spliff*

My two cents on Mark Latham

2006-02-08T13:18:00.000+10:30

Since former ALP leader Mark Latham lashed out at those photographers a few weeks back, the only group quicker to turn on him than his own party (no surprises there) were lefty bloggers.

But it’s rank hypocrisy. I mean, who could really say they wouldn’t twat a News Ltd journo square in the chops if given half a chance?

Be assured that if any of those chimps followed me into a burger joint, it wouldn’t be just their cameras getting panel-beaten.

I'm off to loiter around the front door of the Herald & Weekly Times building in Southbank. Anyone walks out, that's an invasion of my privacy. *SMACK*

A slight over-reaction

2006-02-06T21:30:00.000+10:30

In a rare bi-partisan bickering cease-fire, the blogosphere has roundly condemned the actions of the rioting islamicist fundies, who for some reason have reacted more strongly to the publishing of a nasty cartoon than, say, the Iraqi roman holiday or even all those nasty 'pedophile prophet' jokes.

But the news ain't all bad! We got a man down: Tim Blair's site, courtesy of some generous publicity from the Spencer Street Soviet, has crumbled under the strain of a thousand commie Google strikes.

Enjoy it while it lasts:

Youth left: Holding the shit end of the stick*

2006-02-02T12:50:00.000+10:30

What a great way to win elections: giving baby-boomers the political equivalent of a tossed salad with your law ‘n’ awdah credentials, and whilst proving same, performing a hot carl on those who are either too young to vote, or otherwise electorally powerless.

Tim Holding, our much-lauded ‘young’ Police Minister, personifies the consummate cynicism of a Government that would pimp its own mother to stay in power.

Whether you’re busting joint-toking kiddies at the Big Day Out, or dishing out disproportionate discipline to anyone who takes a spray-can and an artistic eye to one of Melbourne’s architectural abortions, let’s face it: young people – Holding’s supposed counterparts – make great electoral cannon-fodder.

And of course, with their best years of acid tripping and group sex behind them, the Baby Boomers lap it all up.

Who cares that you’ve got the sniffer dogs out persecuting the low-volume end-users when you could be out tracking down the large-volume producers and dealers?

And what’s wrong with this picture: While the Old Bill were off raiding the houses of the spraycan kids and pinching $40k from stranded motorists, it becomes apparent that they let the murderer of two teenage sisters shoot through. Whoops!

POSTSCRIPT

The University of NSW’s Council for Civil Liberties has an interesting angle on this pogrom against youth, based on the aftermath of the 2005 Big Day Out arrests:

I watched several people plead guilty to charges of possess prohibited drugs such as cannabis and speed. Most of them were in their twenties and thirties, unrepresented and this was the first time they had ever been to court, let alone charged with a criminal offence. For some, the prospect of a criminal charge meant that they faced the cancellation of their residency visas and deportation from Australia.

Luckily, the three joints I smuggled in escaped detection, despite my strolling within two metres of the dogs on the door. Apparently some 30 others weren’t so lucky. For future reference, cayenne pepper’s the answer – messes with the mutt’s snouts.

"Always below the radar and ahead of the curve"

2006-01-27T11:25:00.000+10:30

Relentless innovator, genre touchstone, and - by all reports - completely unpretentious: English avant guitarist Derek Bailey died on Christmas Day 2005, aged 75.

Just wanted to throw down a belated footnote, as it seems word is taking some time to get around. The Guardian have a worthy obit, providing a lot of interesting colour from his 40-year career.

I came on board very belatedly with 2002's Ballads; a masterful interpretation of old standards in what the liner notes can only describe as his "inimitable style".

I also was lucky enough to see him perform at All Tomorrow's Parties 2001, as curated by Tortoise. However my ill-informed response was to stand there wondering what the fuck was going on while he attacked the strings of an old jazz guitar like a drunk 14-year-old confronted with a bra strap.

R.I.P.

In which 'sport' is discussed

2006-01-18T11:43:00.000+10:30

Why is Australian tennis so full of no-talent tossers?

Having been lucky enough to miss the childish tantrums and chasm-like lapses in sportsmanship that come as standard equipment with a Lley-Lley victory, God only knows why I tripped along to the Tennis Cenna last night to witness Hilton-shagging has-been Mark Phillipoussis get beaten like a red-headed stepchild at the hands of some gormless Frenchman.

The Pooh’s entire performance reeked of “can’t be fucked”; he'd turned his back before half of his opponents' cheeky drop-shots hit the court. After the match, he refused to acknowledge the rapturous squealing of a couple of hundred Hyundai-driving bird-bogans and slunk off. What a sport.

Speaking of sportsmanlike behaviour, the efforts of the audience last night were nothing short of appalling. I’m no purist, and in honesty would prefer to scream my pseudo-working class frustrations out at a good footy or soccer match any day.

However, I thought it was general knowledge that the tennis is like a lady’s house: there! are! rules!
a) you don’t applaud unforced errors
b) you don't bellow out unfunny jokes in the silent bits that generally precede a serve.

These slack-jawed goons were clearly under the misconception that they were sitting in their Langwarrin lounge rooms in front of the plasma. We can send a man to the moon, yet we can’t introduce something to the water to neuter these bastards. What gives?

Unsavoury mental image dept.

2006-01-13T15:09:00.000+10:30

Looks like the neo-con Big Dicks On Campus have been caught with their collective pants down whilst balls-deep in the fertile crescent.

While Saddam was a vile murdering bastard, we now know that he never had a scratch of West-reaching ordinance to his name.

On the other hand, Iran begins a nuclear enrichment process that could end with us being collectively converted into a pink mist, and Condoleezza Rice tells us:

The US does not "at this point" have the option of military action to curb Iran's nuclear programs.

Let’s review.

First, the Great Baboon stirs the pot. Then, Iraq is invaded, while trigger-happy scrotes the world over belt the war drums and stare fixedly in Iran’s direction.

Iranian Nutter-in-Chief Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (justifiably) shits bricks and fires up the nuclear program, and now there’s absolutely fuck all we can do about it.

Great job, you gibbering interventionalist imbeciles. Not only has this mess left our arses bared to any two-bit yahoo with a chip on his shoulder, but it’s bleeding billions of bickies forked over by the benevolent taxpayers of the nations involved.

Any self-respecting ‘conservative’ should be hitting the fucking roof, yet 99% of them are too blinded by unthinking partisanship to do anything but hoarsely bellow their acquiescence; as though it were ever sought.

In the PR industry, this is what's called a "giant fuckup"

2006-01-09T15:39:00.000+10:30

US troops seize award-winning Iraqi journalist
...Dr Fadhil is working with Guardian Films on an investigation ... into claims that tens of millions of dollars worth of Iraqi funds held by the Americans and British have been misused or misappropriated...

Obviously the terrorist/Grauniad journo dichotomy is something of a split hair over in the New Iraqi Democracy. It certainly is on the pages of all our favorite right-wing column jockeys.

Speaking of Blighty, their Department for Culture, Media and Sport is holding a contest entitled "Icons - a portrait of England" that aims to compile a list of popular pommy icons.

Currently in contention are Punch and Judy, a cup of tea, the red buses, and Stonehenge; to name a few. *snore*

Here's my suggestions:

1. The bacon sarnie (don't forget the HP!)

2. Workplace inactivity

3. Shit barbies

Dispatches from the most over-policed state in the western hemisphere

2006-01-06T15:41:00.000+10:30

Have I got a bug in my arse, or is the Bracks Gumment going batshit insane before our very eyes?

From yesterday’s Age:

TAC wants breath-test devices in all cars
Alcohol interlock devices — now used for repeat drink-drivers — should be standard features in all cars, beginning with fleet vehicles, the Transport Accident Commission says.

Yes, fellow Victorians: we're all unconvicted criminals now, according to Nanny-state Steve! Fuck, I don’t know why he doesn’t just attach us all to one of these:

You may not be aware, but the interlocker device is one of the most is one of the most demeaning outcomes of a night on the piss that any individual has had to endure. I don’t need to add the kind of stiff competition it faces either, except to say:

Yet on the same day, Bracks’ ACME Spinmachine 5000 shits out this flash of genius:

Waterways policing gets anti-terror focus for Games
Police divers would be on duty throughout the Games and water police vessels would check boats on the Yarra and Port Phillip Bay to ensure owners were complying with safety requirements.

The terrorists will strike on boogie boards, apparently. Maybe someone should inform these clowns that desert-bound freedom haters tend to be non-swimmers…

Meanwhile, I just can't wait for PIGS ON RIGS!

For the record...

2006-01-04T17:25:00.000+10:30

For something that is supposed to make you appear 'cool' and 'devil-may-care', smoking can be a real social hazard.

On numerous occasions, I’ve endured open hostility from friends and strangers alike whilst partaking in my chosen pastime.

The most common whinge is that smokers cost 'society' so much money and that we owe it a debt. JF Beck, via Yobbo, has the hard figures proving that the reverse is true, as many of us have long suspected. Here's Yobbo:

...smokers cost the Australian government almost $700 million last year [whilst] approximately $5.2 billion was collected by way of tobacco taxes.

Another good point, made in comments: Smokers save the community money by dying relatively early; thus sparing the community what would be another 20 solid years of pissing and moaning.

Can we at least be spared your bitching for what time we have left, non-smokers?

Happy New Year

2006-01-04T15:20:00.000+10:30

What did you do? I spent time in the sun and took time off work.

Oh, and celebrated the last remaining vestiges of my freedom by driving around higher than John Thwaites at the Sunbury Festival in ’73.

Of course, any pot-smoking ex-hippie who voluntarily participates in the most viciously anti-user drug campaign in history is a (say it with me!) fucking hypocrite.

However, my sympathy strains and snaps when forced to contemplate any drug-addled twit foolish enough to attend “Summa Dayyzzzzzz”. Busted! Serves you right for being sucked in by a line-up featuring such relevance-vacuums as Fat Boy Slim. What, is it eternally 1996 to you or something? Get some taste.

OMFG Update: “If anyone wants to get rid of Summerdayze tickets i need 2 and am so so desperate. willing to pay up to $350. let me know” Ha ha ha ha ha!

Vote Doyle, part II
As though PAYE tax, GST, stamp duty and so on weren’t enough to keep the Bracks Nanny State blundering along, Thievin’ Steve put his grimy mitts into my fraying pockets once more this morning -- on the way to my first day back at work, no less.

Having been foolish enough to only bring the correct change for the 2005 tram fare (der!), I was unable to buy a ticket due to a 10 cent price hike that I didn't even know about. Screw them, I declared, inwardly cursing myself for not carrying small change; only crisp $100 bills for lighting cigars off of.

My self-righteous reverie was of course broken when I became another notch on some otherwise-unemployable ticket inspector’s quota. To the tune of $150.

Fucking cocksmokers!!!!

STOP THE INSANITY AND VOTE FOR THIS MAN!

*snicker*

Vote Doyle (sigh)

2005-12-13T17:22:00.000+10:30

Geez. You post a couple of comments politely requesting that those who plan to goose-step to future race riots refrain from appropriating our fucking flag as their emblem of “white pride” and you get branded a whiffy, lefty ratbag.

Humph. Well, to show those nay-sayers a thing or two, I’d like to earn my stripes as a Howard-loving head-kicker by coming out with that old conservative favourite: More personal responsibility and less mollycoddling from the government!

You see, Nanny-State Steve has decided that the infamous drug bus – SCOURGE OF THE STREETS – will be with us for the indeterminate future:

Roadside saliva drug testing is here to stay, and penalties are set to get much tougher, the State Government has said.

I don’t know that I’ve agreed with any of this Gumment’s decisions, aside from making those eastern suburban train-fearing nitwits (gasp!) PAY for their own goddamn carpark. But I’ve finally tired of these kneejerk, popularist – and don't forget lucrative – ‘law and order’ pronouncements, which are largely the result of the Patented Bracks-Murdoch Government Policy Generator™ – otherwise known as the Herald-Sun.

I’m going to ignore all relevant data (lies, damn lies and statistics, remember!), and demand to know when being stoned was proven a driving hazard? Dr G.B. Chesher at the University of New South Wales says “never”:

…no clear relationship has ever been demonstrated between marijuana smoking and either seriously impaired driving performance or the risk of accident involvement.

Facts – as opposed to the factoids that this Government routinely showers us with – aside, the technology is flawed, and this is nothing more than an attack on our freedom to get into a car and drive it someplace without being interfered with by the long arm of the law.

Reaping what was sown

2005-12-12T16:26:00.000+10:30

“…they’re all potential terrorists. They might strike at any time. They hate what we have, and who we are. They despise freedom and democracy. Their religion is one of violence and destruction. And they all treat their women badly. They come here in leaky boats and throw their children overboard. They don’t assimilate …"

Oh! Goodness! Men and women of ‘middle eastern appearance’ being beaten by angry mobs!

You naughty, naughty ... erm... protesters!!

Senate sweep

2005-12-12T00:11:00.000+10:30

It should come as no surprise that Melbourne’s own Saltshaker In The House, Steve Fielding, has touched his toes for the Government and delivered its sweetest ideological victory in passing the VSU bill.

Personally, I’m concerned that in removing student union fees wholesale instead of retaining vital services – mainly childcare – as Labor suggested, single parents and other disadvantaged students will miss out.

Despite his dithering, I reckon Steve Fielding’s choice was easy. To the Family First party, a family is one that has two parents of opposing gender. Anybody else can go fuck themselves sideways with a rake.

I must say it’s decidedly un-Christian of him to deny less wealthy uppercase-f Families the right to subsidised childcare whilst completing study:

"Everyone else in the community needs to get access to child care and they need to pay for it," he said.

‘Everybody else’ in the community presumably have two incomes to pay for said childcare, Steve. Stick to what you’re good at: there’s scantily-clad teens out there having ‘wild’ sex parties you should be moralising on.

Meanwhile, proponents of student unionism (chiefly the part of it that involves cronyism and witless screaming) plan to up the ante on their impotent campaign of window smashing and door kicking.

Tabloid media has a field day, and the nation is poorer for it. Save it, you dickheads.

Oh, if Mexico only had better border protection back in the 1830's...

2005-12-05T22:07:00.000+10:30

As we're all aware, John Howard's Liberal Party cruised comfortably to the 2001 election victory having ridden the comtemptible predjudices of its electorate like a truck stop 'ho on dollar day.

If you thought that was a cruel and cynical exercise, you might also have been troubled by having the seemingly-innocuous faces on your left stare out at you from The Age Online for the best part of today.

Connie Foust and Carmen Mercer, we're told, are "part of the Minutemen movement", an armed, Arizona-based group that acts extra-judiciously to do their "patriotic duty" in seeing off would-be Mexican immigrants on the US-Mexico border.

Our correspondent, ex-editor of The Age Michael Gawenda, is viewed in some quarters as the reincarnation of Chairman Mao, and so that he fails to air the philosophies guiding this particularly intemperate retirement pastime may come as no surprise. Alternatively, perhaps the views of such people are best left to the imagination.

In any case, Gawenda also fails to point out that Americans - especially Arizonians - of this pursuasion are a particularly despicable brand of hypocrite. Because the states that our Stetson-wearing friends like to call "Arizona", "California", "Nevada", "Utah", "Texas", "Colorado" and, slightly more forgivably, "New Mexico" were annexed by the United States in the 1830's and 40's.

To recap, the south-western corner of the present-day USA once formed about half of Mexico. Until it was, uh, 'invaded' by illegal immigrants. With guns.

I hate to moralise here, but instead of screaming "fuck off niggers" through a megaphone every time we receive uninvited visitors to our shores, perhaps we should be a little more hospitable; given that they're simply asking to share a little of what we have. As opposed to slaughtering us, raping our wives and then coming off all self-righteous should we have the all-fired temerity to return to our homes.

Below: Map of annexed territories. Click for a larger version (via Wikipedia)

Who's keeping the kids down? Kanye has the answers!

2005-12-05T13:27:00.000+10:30

Kanye West, celebrated rapper and sometime black rights activist suggests on his latest album ('Late Registration') that the US government “administers AIDS” as a sinister means of controlling the population of Africa. He goes on to allege (in a track entitled ‘Crack Music’) that the Reagan Administration initiated a covert program of introducing crack into black ghettos to neutralise the Black Panthers.

Well, in my capacity as self-appointed spokesman for the yoof of Australia, I’m here to tell y’all that the evil, baby-boomer Howard Government has its own form of population control; one that sees increasing numbers of young people getting beaten, arrested, killed, molested and preggers – all measures to keep the kids down!

It’s called Schoolies Week*, dawg!

*aka ‘accelerated natural selection’ week.

In which I use the term 'freedom' without an iota of sarcasm

2005-12-02T12:59:00.000+10:30

Despite a week of solid bitching by the Australian media, I don't really have strong feelings about the Van Nguyen execution. I'm sorry for him and his family but really, what the fuck did you expect?

As Michael Gawenda pointed out, Singapore is one of many states in the world - including the US - where certain crimes carry a death penalty. Its shithouse, but if you want the killing to stop, where would you begin?

Of course, like any major issue in Australia, this one saw widespread bellowing of the well-worn phrase, "what are the Gumment gunna DO??!?!" In the event, they did about as much as they could, sadly.

Obviously, it hurts that the freedoms we enjoy aren't extended to our counterparts in many, many other parts of the world. To me, our options in attempting to change this fact are limited to:

1. Preserving the freedoms we have as best we can (hence, protests against IR reforms). This is, to me, self evident, but this clearly eludes many of our beloved countrymen, who can't see beyond the eve-to-eve boundary of their quarter acre in the burbs.

2. Placing economic sanctions on the offending states (as has been strongly advocated against Singapore). This would never get past the Canberran pointyheads, much less the belligerent business community.

3. Going to war with the states in question, particularly should our own freedoms be threatened (!!!). This, of course, has been tried and is clearly unsustainable, given the expense and bad PR (note clever exclusion of notions of human rights considerations, etc).

4. Appling enduring and consistent diplomatic pressure to all states that exhibit the offending conduct. This is clearly the most reasonable of the bunch, but would involve us pissing on some of our mates, which is against the roolz of 'mateship'. In short, too much work.

If this has been the response to the execution of one man in Singapore, a country that we don't wholesale fear and loathe, who can tell what will erupt when the Bali Nine face their collective demise at the business end of a .33 calibre?

Meanwhile, the IR reforms get shoved through the House of Review with barely a whimper from 'our mate' Barnaby, while the Labor Party pledge to "maintain the (impotent) rage".

What a good news week.

"Sexy young assassins"

2005-11-30T15:10:00.000+10:30

Every time I see Bono in those big fly glasses and tight leather pants I just can't hack it. I can't see that as solving the world's problems. He's crushing his testicles in tight trousers for world peace. – John Lydon

The Sex Pistols, one of the most influential rock bands ever, have finally been inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, The Age reports.

What a dubious honour.

The Hall of Fame, another strong contributor to the neutering of rock music, has waited a long time to get round to the Pistols; instead preferring to heap further unwarranted praise on the likes of U2 (inductees, 2004).
Of course, there was the memorable induction of the Ramones in 2002, which was marked by guitarist, band ‘drill sergeant’ and devout conservative Johnny Ramone’s comment “God bless President Bush and God bless America”; a brave one in the context of the crowd, and the introductory speech of Eddie Vedder, who had cut his hair into a mohawk “in response to world events”.

Singer Joey Ramone had only been dead for eleven months, while bassist Dee Dee died of an overdose months later. Johnny Ramone’s death to cancer in 2004 was, for me, the saddest.

Back on Rotten and Co., “The Filth and the Fury” comes recommended as a fascinating examination of the 70’s British culture the Pistols were reacting to; as well as the brilliance of their music and the tragic circumstances of Sid’s demise.

ABOVE: Johnny Ramone sporting the required bowl cut

(Back)peddlers of lies and half-truths

2005-11-25T14:17:00.000+10:30

Shorter Tony Parkinson: "Uh...Interventionalist fuck-ups of epic proportions take time to fix up, you know..."

Imagine if America and its allies still had 25,000 troops in Iraq by the year 2013 ... Yet 10 years after the signing of the Dayton accords and five years after the fall of Slobodan Milosevic, fully 25,000 NATO troops remain stationed in Bosnia and Kosovo.

Shorter Tim Blair: "Why, I would never suggest that anyone who criticises The War hates freedom, democracy, America, etc!"

Professor John Quiggin writes: "In the leadup to the Iraq war, we were repeatedly told that anyone who disagreed with the rush to war, or criticised the Bush Administration, was anti-American. " It’d be helpful if the Professor supplied some evidence of this.

Shorter Andrew Bolt: "I'm a defender of free expression and I'm proud of where I'm from... or maybe not!"

LAST week's union protests confirmed one thing: Victoria is still the mainland's reddest state.

Sorry, I don't usually pay these tired old windbags any heed, but I was vaguely amused to note that they're still at it.

Mariah Carey STILL relevant? How so?

2005-11-23T13:59:00.000+10:30

From the "I Kill Me" dept:

"DUDE! Where's my BRA????"

(Photo courtesy of The Age.)

"You want fries with that dick in your arse?"

2005-11-21T16:39:00.000+10:30

Something tells me that slowly barbecuing on Hell’s hottest chargrill (right next to the recruitment consultants) are marketing people.

Is it just me, or does practically anything these bastards do send you into an apoplectic rage? Last month, I was sitting on a tram crawling up Collins St in peak hour when I saw a fine example. Strategically clogging traffic like a fuckheaded procession of matching penises was a convoy of male models driving branded SmartCars towing billboards advertising … Bundy ginger beer.

It gets worse: three pricks barelling down the footpath on the same street three weeks later on branded Segways advertising the craptastic services of Vodafone…

Who is responsible for such outrageous assaults on our public spaces? Let the marvellous Interweb guide us:

Ubiquitous annoyance Amanda Keller attempts to explain through the spectacularly un-selfconscious conduit of Monique Haylen of PR firm, Love PR:

Hairdressers and massage therapists are great because they have that one-on-one contact with someone - you know, sometimes up to an hour and a half. So it's a way of trying to get your message in when, you know, someone is relaxed and perhaps not thinking about that.

Its utterances like these that make me think that marketing people are the most diabolically cynical people in the world. It’s also this personality type that will be chosen to stand in front of the Whitehouse press corps at the end of the Iraq war to chirp “well, we didn’t kill all of them…”

I don’t have a problem with D-grade, fake-tanned, borderline sociopaths usually. Its when they’re employing the implements of psychological warfare to ‘enhance’ a company’s profit margin that I start getting firearm-y.

Monique Haylen, my guess is that you’re the kind of self-absorbed twat that would google yourself regularly. This being the case, please do us all a favour and kill yourself.

LOL UPDATE: It appears Monique has since been given the arse.

A fleeting moment of nationalism

2005-11-17T13:28:00.000+10:30

Last night, of course, I drank myself stupid and cheered myself hoarse as Australia's Socceroos earned their place as national sporting heroes.

Today, feeling as though I've been shat from Satan's sphincter, I was tickled to read this at The Age online:

Uruguay mourns loss to 'mediocre' Socceroos
"Bitter 2006" proclaimed El Observador, which has a photo gallery on its website called "chronicle of a defeat"....The paper labelled Australia "another mediocre team, that ranks less than Colombia, for example".

The great thing about last night's game is, to my mind, we have the right to pride without humility. The Uruguayan team hurled themselves to the ground with an enthusiasm that would rival fellow Latin American cheats, Brazil.

If you feel the same as I do, why not send a message of love (perhaps in Spanish?) to these arrogant, fruit-hatted cokeheads via the paper responsible, El Observador (hit this link).

John Hunt, I've been informed, is a Coward

2005-11-16T16:16:00.000+10:30

It was a gloomy walk to the IR protest rally yesterday, as ABC Radio’s Jon Faine predicted low attendances while his guest, some business lobby mouthpiece (Heather Ridout from the Australian Industry Group if I'm not mistaken) uttered risible assurances that most working Australians support the Howard Gumment’s attempts to hobble their parliamentary opposition by destroying its union base.

Like fuck!

Say what you like about how “the majority of Australian workers did not take part in [the] rallies”. A couple of hundred thousand pissed off workers clogging your country's rightful capital is a pretty sure sign that you're on the wrong track as a Government.

Especially when you consider that many of these people have had that right removed from them.

In the words of a passing man, marching with his kids, into the ABC News camera, “Mr Howard, this is what you’ve made us do.”

Meanwhile, its getting tough to even find a conservative who supports the reforms, with blogger Evil Pundit making the sound point:

I'd hate to see this excellent government lost through too fierce a commitment to a radical program we don't really need.

On the other side of the fence, all I can hope is that this bullshit socioeconomic apartheid will be this government’s downfall. Of course, two years later my money says pre-election debate will surround whether the Gumment’s management of our sacred Economy has been ‘excellent’, or merely ‘great’. As the tail wags the dog, we’ve become slaves to the economy that is supposed to serve us.

A message from the whites of Australia to our towel-headed friends...

2005-11-03T11:10:00.000+10:30

EID MUBARAK, dudes!

Enjoy your "Christmas without beer," weirdos! (WTF??? ROFL LOL)

EXTRA: Herald-Sun writes its own swansong:

AUSTRALIAN interest in serious news has skyrocketed in the past six months.

Fare thee well, Rupert's Steaming Shitpile. You'll be missed... by Victoria's more dribble-splatted mouth-breathers, anyway. So, like, does this mean that Fairfax can hold off on the destruction of the Spencer St Stalin for a another coupla months?

Happy Rocktober

2005-10-24T22:26:00.000+09:30

Good to see that that the Australian Recording Industry saw fit to shower itself - and its evil spawn - with glory in the time honoured, masturbatory fashion to which we've become accustomed the other night at the ARIA awards.

Ain't it always exciting, waiting to find out which burned-out has-been (Jimmy Barnes) or pukey pap-pusher (Missy Higgins) managed to insert their noses furtherest into the corporate orifice?

I mean, far be it for me to question the will of the masses! Why, if taking one’s self to a record store should prove too taxing on one’s fat-arsed couch-surfing schedule, how indeed should one expect to know what lies beyond what is spoonfed to one by soulless A&R people and marketing cunts? And furthermore, why should one even care? Delta fucking Goodrem sounds just fine to me!

Ok, enough. But guess what? This year's winner of "Best Group" was Eskimo Joe!!

*crickets*

Don't you have a little cack when you imagine the silence that undoubtedly descended on the crowd that night while the stunned C-grade audience racked their brains for some clue as to WHO THE FUCK ESKIMO JOE ARE!!!?!????

The Age's Patrick Donovan, writing faithfully from the press release, elaborates: it appears they beat out "...ARIA darlings Powderfinger as well as Evermore, Grinspoon and Thirsty Merc."

Glad they had enjoyed stiff, albeit shithouse, competition! What about decent, homegrown and, like, internationally acclaimed action like Love of Diagrams, Architecture in Helsinki, Ground Components, et al?

And still people bemoan the local fillum industry! If this is what we're being forced fed - and are lazy enough to eat - by the music industry, I can't exactly say that the future looks bright for innovative, local music.

Rejected letter to The Age #366448a

2005-10-21T10:08:00.000+09:30

To those involved in Wednesday night’s violent, destructive ‘protest’ at the Melbourne Museum (The Age, 20/10), I’d like to say thanks for regressing the democratic socialist cause yet again!

When will the perpetually-outraged, raver/hippy coalition realise that in a modern democracy, voting and sensible debate are the accepted means of political expression. Window-smashing, breast-baring and bongo-beating are considered by the general populace (who, I assume, you are trying to get on side?) to be the puerile domain of spoilt middle-class brats.

You have paid a massive disservice to those of us who take the time to put our views across reasonably, for example via the peaceable anti-war protests in Feburary 2003. You also insult those you are trying to convince – and help keep John Howard in power – by lowering the level of political debate to that of a child’s tantrum.

Yours,

Andrew Bolt (kidding!)

My final 2c worth on IR...promise!

2005-10-11T15:29:00.000+09:30

Remind me again: why is the industrial relations issue still referred to as a ‘debate’? Foregone conclusion would be more accurate methinks, but big ups to anyone who still has the energy to squeal about it (ie. readers of The Age, homos).

Indeed, the issue seems to have tired out all but the most pedantic among us before it’s even wound up. Admittedly, I still can’t understand why we need to ratchet up IR laws in the “interests of the economy” (in the words of the PM), when we’re all working above and beyond OECD levels and the economy (so they keep reminding us) is off its chops. Australians certainly have a funny interpretation of the ‘work/life balance’: apparently it involves ‘working your distended titties off.’

Interesting that this guv’ment has become so rabid in implementing its agenda that it’s prepared to maul the hand that fed it: ie. the aspirationally deluded working class. And you know that this is protruding like the proverbial mutt’s nuts when even Rupert’s Wreckers are jumping in with the steel capped blunnies.

Meanwhile it looks like even the happy clappers have jumped on board the “when-you-remove-basic-worker’s-rights-you-make-Baby-Jesus-cry” bus. And good luck to them – I didn’t know Steve Fielding had it in him.

In the end, like every other bitter, chardonnay-quaffing commie elitist, I say let the fuckers take their medicine. We’ll see how popular Johnnie and the Reformers are when Tezza and Shaz get sacked from the Fatchry and are forced to remortgage the McMansion, hand back the Plasma, trade in the lowered Commode SS for Bracksy's Screeching Silver Spend Receptacles, and surrender little Schappelle-Beyonce to the DHS.

New ways of living

2005-10-06T15:26:00.000+09:30

Thanks to The Age, we now have “evidence” (read: self-serving lefty propaganda) upon which to base our pathological hatred of four wheel drivers. For those unfamiliar with this yuppie cultural phenomenon, I have included an example of one which has been cleverly photoshopped into a non-suburban scene:

Now, I know I’m slow catching up on this one, but I have something to add. In summation, the study told us:

In reality, the drivers are often obese, aggressive, intolerant and aged in their 40s or 50s.

Yes, you read right: the study "proves" beyond any doubt that the much-loathed Toorak Tractor brigade are hateful fat cunts. However the study made one grave omission, though: SMALL DICKS!

What about a bit o’ that, huh? Where’s the part where we can gleefully conclude “ha, yeah and they’ve all got hamster penises!!”

In honour of this unsupportable non-fact, I’d like you to join me in changing your much-loved “tailgater, begone!” 4WD hand signal from this:

To this:

(Read: “GET OFF MY ARSE, YOU MICROPENISED FATTY!!”)

I trialled it last weekend on Springvale Road to a dude driving a Ford “Explorer” (misnomer alert). Aw. Yeah.

Mark Steyn: “I AM VERY RIGHT WING"

2005-10-05T14:10:00.000+09:30

Just when you thought it was safe to delve into Rupert’s op-ed-o-sphere again…

Yesterday’s Oz contained the deranged rantings of one Mark Steyn, who figured that, in the face of a generally sober reflection on the recent terrorist attack in Bali (this page excluded), it was best to wheel out the oft-shrieked “them moselams all want us DEAD” theorem:

“…coexistence is what the Islamists are at war with; or, if you prefer, pluralism, the idea that different groups can rub along together within the same general neighbourhood,”

“It's not about Bush or Blair or Iraq or Palestine. It's about a world where everything other than Islamism lies in ruins.”

Call me a cheese-eating hater-of-freedom, but what a fucking sissy!! Let’s see: Who has all the nukes? Who has all the money? And who has all the food, booze and hot, partially clothed ladeez? I think we’ll be ok.

Conversely, maybe he has a point. There we all were – the US, Britain and Australia – peacefully minding our own shit*, when WHAM! All of a sudden, whitey’s getting blowed up all over the shop, and Muslims have got half the world bowing to Mecca!
* So long as ‘minding your own shit’ includes forcibly installing the odd puppet regime, arming the world’s most bearded psychopaths, pouring napalm on people who don’t even own shoes… I think you know how long this list is.

Mark Steyn, self-described “one-man global content provider”, strides on:

Bali is more symbolic of the Islamofascist strategy than London or Madrid, Beslan or Istanbul.

Islamo-what?? Going on popular usage, that word appears to have been made up to flag the fact that what you’re reading is actually sneering, intellectually dishonest horse-shit.

It's great having to make this point over and over: Islam and terrorism are not interchangeable terms, y'all! In fact, to make that equation is to advertise the fact that you’re unable to have a sensible reaction to what is, quite frankly, a serious problem! What percentage of Muslims, pray, do you actually think have violent intentions toward the West? Hence, how do you think the other 99.99% (the very same, incidentally, who we rely upon to help us fight Islamic terror) feel about being branded by made up, dickheaded terms like fucking “islamofascist”?

Aw Did! The tiwlhids nilly stole moi hidbind!

2005-10-03T12:15:00.000+09:30

Before I upload a few images and anecdotes from my hols, just have to vent my spleen at the recent Bali bombing.

Once again, we’re supposed to heap pity upon the bogan cheapskates who still believe that South East Asia is their god-given, bargain-basement playground, and that it’s the job of the Federal Government to somehow insure their pockmarked arses against the ravages of a society that heretofore remains unexplained by McCloud’s Daughters, Blue Heelers or Australian Idol.

Of course, DFAT’s Smart Traveller website has warned against all “non-essential” travel to Bali for some time now, as has the Prime Minister in various comments on Schappers, the Bali Nine, “teen model” Michelle Leslie, etc.

Notwithstanding this torrent of advice, Australians still travel there in their hordes. A victim of Saturday’s attacks ‘Sheryl from Frankston’ (I’m not kidding) offered these pithy (paraphrased) remarks on her experience on ABC Radio, Sunday morning:

Nah yeah, I was there for the first bombings back in 2002, and it took me a whole three more years to get back there, an’ it’s just happened again. (pause) Dunno if I can go back there after all this!

Un-bel-OIV-able!!!

Temporarily on hold

2005-09-09T04:24:00.000+09:30

Since this blog's circulation is currently rivalling that of The Age, I thought I should mention that I'm on hold until the start of October, whilst I'm on holiday. Hoping to write some, and include some pics upon my return.

Till then, open the floodgates of your sympathy, as I'm currently hating Korčula, an island off the Dalmatian coast.

Adam

Depressing miscellany

2005-09-01T18:32:00.000+09:30

As Miserable Melbourne finally staggers out of another frigid winter, the news - both domestically and abroad - is all bad.

When an ex-KGB man beats you in the humanitarian stakes, surely its time to grow a heart. Agreeing to speak with aggrieved mothers whose children were killed by terrorists: Putin 1, Bush 0. Too bad about Vladimir's timing...

Speaking of scoring cheap political points off the back of heinous tragedies (!), Hurricane Katrina has devastated New Orleans, thousands feared dead... and heeeeeeere's Arthur Chrenkoff:

...where is the foreign humanitarian aid? To be sure, the trendy anti-Americanism makes it unlikely that too many around the world will think "we're all New Orleans now."

Sigh.

'De-spivving' the place

2005-08-26T14:06:00.000+09:30

"We're de-spivving the place"
- attributed to Paul Keating, at some stage in his glorious prime ministership

spiv: n : a person without employment who makes money by various dubious schemes; goes about smartly dressed and having a good time

The Bulletin provides an impetus to cast a misty eye back to the days of Keating, and ponder what the author describes (with some glee) as his enduring 'bitterness'.

The source of said bitterness is widely attributed to his humiliating 1996 election loss to arch-nemesis Howard, which is explained consisely by Oz "editor-at-large" (wtf?), Paul Kelly:

"When [Keating] became PM, he tried to construct a new set of Labor beliefs based on Asian engagement, reconciliation and the republic. [...] The trouble, of course, was his inability to convert a lot of the public."

But this interpretation – that a conservative Australian electorate simply refused to let their country move forward – is one that is often slapped down by the Liberals in favour of a simple, damning economic criticism: that Keating single-handedly caused the "recession we had to have".

Interesting to see how pro-Howard chin-scratcher Gerald Henderson (of all people) puts paid to that view:

...Henderson argues it was not Keating's policy agenda that cost him the election: the Coalition supported most of the reforms and 80% of voters supported his general direction. It's more simple, argues Henderson, "He was a smart arse and Australians don't like a smart arse."

No, nobody likes a smart arse – especially one that loves abos, chinks and the yartz. But back to 'de-spivving' the place.

It came as a shock, initially, to see Beazley's Labor back down from its demand that compulsory student unionism be retained. But their suggestion of a compromise - keep the services (funded by the government) but lose the student politics - is a damn good one.

From my experience, student politicians are a rare breed; one that'd I'd quite happily see become extinct. I’ll leave it to Crikey to explain what happens when you leave the administration of a student union down to a handful of power-lusting little silvertail dipshits from Camberwell – 'spivs', the lot of them!

However, to stop the funding of legitimate university services (which include health, childcare, IT, career and sports-related services) would certainly visit severe disadvantage upon our poorest students.

"Fuck 'em," says Dr Brendan Nelson, elected Liberal responsible for - among other things - edumacations. From the afore-linked ABC Online report:

"…we believe that in the 21st century students ought to be free to decide what services to buy with their hard-earned money."

Uh... what if they ain't got none?

I mean, I like the idea - why should I pay for services I don’t cocking need? Following that rationale, why, I may have to stop paying my taxes! Although, that might hinder the government’s ability to shit out inappropriately political ad campaigns somewhat!

You, Dr Nelson sir, are a twat.

UPDATE: Stephen Mayne offers a damning criticism of the Bulletin demo job, pointing out that it was most likely produced at the behest of prominent Keating-hater, Kerry Packer.

Tell yer story Walken

2005-08-23T16:34:00.000+09:30

This is great. Allow me to present Christopher Walken for PRESIDENT in 2008.

Can't you see it? (But damn, hasn't he been in a lot of shitty films...)

(via The Black Table)

Cognitive dissonance

2005-08-19T11:36:00.000+09:30

Regarding Janet Albrechtson's item bashing Barnaby Joyce in Wednesday's Oz, this comment from a friend made me laugh:

She writes this article yesterday about how heavily subsidised country people are by city people and how 85 percent of the population shouldn't be held hostage by rogue National Senators. And I was like "Yeah!". Even though I knew she was just trying to throw mud at Barnaby Joyce and I don't agree with the sale of Telstra and wished more Senators and MPs would vote on conscience rather than on party lines and I hate Janet Albrechtsen, the Urban Fundamentalist in me was still like "Yeah, country people suck! Bunch of no good bogans and yokels. You want decent phone reception? Move to Carlton!"

Mission accomplished?

2005-08-15T13:43:00.000+09:30

Over at Barista, David Tiley writes eruditely on the latest right wing efforts to collectively defecate on anyone who stands up to oppose the war. Even those whose children have died as part of their deluded crusade-a-thon, apparently. Ah, the bravery of those Fighting 101st Keyboarders.

The lowdown for those who just tuned in: Cindy Sheehan's son died fighting in Iraq. Now she wants to meet with President Bush to get some answers. The US Right, backed by the full weight of their media, have proceeded to slander her into oblivion. Here’s an example of the mentality at hand. Prepare a bucket, because you’re going to want to do a little spew all over your leftist cardigan.

Of course, the echo from local slavering sycophants has already begun.

It’s a shame that you have to join such a chorus of pathetic dickheads to come out and say “I too sincerely hope for a viable democracy in Iraq”. But Christ knows that, having lost half their manfolk to daisy cutter bombs and all manner of other hideous (and possibly biological) firepower, that’s the least Iraqis deserve. And I personally have no problem with the continued haemorrhaging of America's economy into the project.

That’s why the news that Iraq is (likely) to emerge as an Islamic republic is deeply worrying. In fact, it’s bad news. Sorry.

How much longer will it take for the Pundits of Freedom to spin this into good news? I’ll keep an eye out, and log them as they appear. 3...2...1...

Chrenkoff correctly points out that pre-war Iraq was no picnic; cheerfully ignores the lives expended to improve it by exactly fuck all.

Conservative schism

2005-08-12T11:58:00.000+09:30

Interesting to see how the National Party’s fledgling attempts to actually represent their constituents has resulted in such a vicious backlash.

Tories – both parliamentary and blog-bound – have condemned new Nats senator Barnaby Joyce as being, variously, a "dopey so-and-so" and a Laborite, and variations on the theme of "socialist yokel". Various Government grid girls have also had their bikinis in a predictable twist. Tellingly, these sentiments have now broadened to betray the depth of contempt for their coalition partners among the party faithful.

Nats leader Mark Vaile appeared nervous on the 7:30 Report last night as he contemplated the horrifying notion of breaking with the party line. Certainly, this kind of behaviour is not welcome in a Government that seems to have its own internal KGB.

Surely the Liberal party doesn't need to be reminded that without its coalition partner's electoral appeal in the redneck provinces, we'd all be goose-stepping for Stalin and speaking moslem!

RELATED: Newsflash: Barny's not the only Nasho in J Winston's bad books.

There goes the neighbourhood

2005-08-10T10:54:00.000+09:30

Family First's first representative in parliament, Steve Fielding arrives in Canberra.

"...families will have a voice now," he said.

...

...

ahem.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

No wait, let's view some data, to see whether that statement has any merit:

Mob justice

2005-08-08T11:52:00.000+09:30

From the Herald Sun:

VIGILANTES have attacked a house mistakenly believed to be that of the notorious
pedophile Mr Baldy.

That's a pretty serious mistake to make. How did they get it so wrong?

Radio 3AW host Derryn Hinch broadcast the street's name on his top-rating drive-time program last week after callers came forward with the information.

Don't worry Frankston residents, you have no cause for concern (sorry about the smashed windows, though)... country Victorians do!

Again, from the ever-responsible Limited News:

...the Herald Sun believes [Baldy] is staying in country Victoria.

For further information regarding a pitchfork-and-torch-waving lynch mob near YOU, be sure to buy the Herald Scum(tm): Advocating Extra-judicial Justice since 1990.

"Many who seem to be struggling with adversity are happy; many, amid great affluence, are utterly miserable"

2005-08-05T11:23:00.000+09:30

-- Tacitus

Ignoring the interesting, but mercifully without-legs Shiavo angle (note references to 'the murder cult' in comments), does the Korp case resonate with broader social implications, or is it simply a nasty isolated incident?

The news that - thanks to expenses philandering-related and otherwise - the Korps were $500,000 in debt is an interesting revelation and, implies the Herald Sun, potentially part of the motive:

JOE Korp and his wife were at least $500,000 in debt when she was attacked, court papers show. [...] The documents show Mrs Korp had $100,000 life insurance and Mr Korp stood to also benefit from a superannuation payout of $232,000 if his wife died.

I've been reading Affluenza, by Clive Hamilton of The Australia Institute and former Stott-Despoja staffer (pinko alert!) Richard Denniss (also of TAI). Their contention, whilst repetitious in a Don Watson "this-could-have-just-been-a-slightly-long-essay" kind of way, competently describes what's going on in the minds of Australian consumers and voters:

Despite being more wealthy than ever before, Australians are saving less than ever before
Why? Because most of us exist in a state of being 'materially deprived', an all-pervading discontent that is largely the creation of marketing and advertising ghouls
Consequently, 'Affluenza' sufferers buy shitloads of disposable crap - more than they can afford, clearly
The debt that affluenza sufferers resort to leads to overwork in the short term, and cash-flow problems, stress and anxiety and family breakdown in the long term.

I think it would be fair to suggest that, tragically, 'affluenza' was a contributing factor to Maria Korp's death.

Our PM: set to become a bug hut in New Zulland

2005-07-22T11:42:00.000+09:30

Read this. Official confirmation that J. Winners Howard is a threat to our national security.

Look at him! He's a terror magnet. The day after he visits the Pentagon, BAM! The guy visits London for a few days to dish out snivelling popularist platitudes to expat amputees, POW!

Extradite him to New Zealand. Like I've said numerous times before, when those fuckers learn to respect vowels, I'll stop sending them my terror-prone Prime Ministers.

London calling

2005-07-14T17:13:00.000+09:30

This time last week at about dinner time, I heard the news of the London bombing. A blog entry on the subject has been a long time in the making because I felt a pause would allow the percolation of a reasonable response - as if any were required, or indeed solicited. Heh.

I imagined that the familar political battle lines would be drawn. On the right we'd have the tabloids screaming "evil", familar commentators waxing off about how they were right all along, and calls for more blood eminating from more extreme quarters. On the left, I foresaw condemnation of the acts themselves, but questioning of the policy of military preemption in preventing further terrorism. And preening stupidity on the fringe.

In the event, the debate has actually ranged wider than that, and with interesting results. Even though it's a well-worn topic, there's obviously still plenty to be said. An excellent discussion thread in response to CL's post has kept me enthralled. I was hoping to list some of the points - from both the right and the left - and discuss, but started getting too involved in the detail. So instead I'll have my two cents and then shut the hell about it.

Those on the left who have responded with mealy-mouthed justifications for these despicable crimes are irresponsible fuckheads; as are those on the right who have used it to excuse further hate-filled rants condemning muslims of all stripes. If you look, there is over-simplification and garden-variety dickheadedry eminating from both sides.

There is also a simple line being peddled by the right that offends me to the core. They accuse the left of sympathising with the terrorists; of taking joy in likening failures in Iraq to those of Vietnam, and of 'standing in the way of freedom'. Hey, we all agree that terrorism is the problem, and that those who practice it belong in the same hole as anyone else who meaninglessly takes the lives of others. But Iraq is more than just a long bow. It's a giant strategic error.

"So what's wrong with removing a brutal dictator that's destroyed the lives of millions?" you ask. Well, two things:

That's not what we went there for.
While our backs were turned, terror has continued apace elsewhere and in our own backyards.

As long as this is framed as a war on Islam (sometimes openly, sometimes not), there will not be an end to terror. You cannot 'kill' terror. It is a viral philosophy, not a group of people. You kill one, it passes to another. You kill them in the thousands in the sands of Iraq, they'll grow by the hundreds in the suburbs of our cities. The right's unrelenting denial of this truth is a testiment to the strength of the spirit of partisanship that drives these people. Iraq is not fucking working. Let's discuss and collaborate to sort it out, and then get on with defeating the ideology of terror.

ELSEWHERE: If all traditional energy sources fail, here's a seemingly infinite alternative: the rabid fringe of the right's unending hatred for presidential failure, John Kerry. Dunno guys, maybe you've...won? Time to get on with life perhaps?

IR: Industrial Rear-rape

2005-07-07T11:05:00.000+09:30

Ok, so a lot of good discussion happening around the IR reforms. Tim Colebach in the Spencer St Stalin (or whatever the righty h8ers are going with these days) gives us some interesting news: we're working harder than the Japanese AND the Germans. But for what? How come our industrial output is still predominantly coal and wheat? Where's the discmans, BMWs and cool-headed efficiency?

Uncle Lenin sez: "Strength is in Unity, punks"

Suki's suggestion of the chucked sickie as a subtle form of protest is a good one. I liked the courage of the public's loyal servants over at the Department of Employment and Workplace Relations. Despite residing in Kevin Andrews' political back yard, they elected to extend him the middle digit nonetheless; albeit in the form of a lunchhour protest. "That's it!! Between 12 and 1:30pm, you'll find me standing OUTSIDE, motherfucker! Smoking!!"

I'm still impressed. Even though it was work, glorious work that prevented my attendance at the strike, the Government arrogantly took my silence as acquiescence - and to them, I say "fuck y'all!" However, those that did strike are, in Kev's opinion, "disruptive, costly and futile". Snookered!

But never fear. The Prime Minister intends to tell us all why the reforms will work via an expensive ad campaign. On our dime, of course. Personally, I'd rather hear it from someone who has actually been on a contract themselves, and hence denuded of their workers rights quicker than certain reality tv famewhores on Pimps and Ho's night.

One area I feel strongly about are proposals relating to our "freedom to contract". You won't find 'contractor' listed in J-Ho's bio. (However, a google search for same will bring you to this hilarious demo job of Anthony Albanese's.) I, on the other hand, have had first-hand experience in the following wonderful aspects of contracting:

Working 52 weeks a year, as holidays are unpaid and therefore unaffordable
Coming to work sick, as the same applies to sick days
Never knowing whether my contract will extend beyond the next Friday
Being ineligible to apply for internal jobs - including the one you're acting in
Being excluded from various privileges afforded to permanent staff

The other is that life-affirming knowledge that you've made someone else very rich for doing absolutely fuck all. One-third-of-your-actual-income rich, in fact. TMP Hudson, who have sodomised me to the tune of roughly $35,000 in my career to date, have the temerity to lecture us on the 'work life balance'! Pray, TMP Hudson, how does one strike such a balance without paid sick days and holidays, you despicable cunts?

And here's the rub. In the election, both parties tried shamelessly to ride the 'family' bus to Aspirationville. Because families are good -- and in this post-Rumsfeldian world in which we live, this is a known known that we know. OK. But I believe that nobody really gives a fuck about family values; that it's a facade primarily used for political point-scoring. I think that many of our beloved 'aspirationals' would have the kids out on a booze cruise with Michael Jackson before they gave up their McMansions in the boonies. With levels of personal debt so high, who's going to blink at losing half their annual leave if its paid out in hard cash?

But all the while, the kiddies are the ones that will spend less time with their parents. And that makes Baby Jesus cry.

Elsewhere: Lefty covers off the media angle, whilst Rob gives it the treatment. I'm sure various other are going spastic over it as well.

Postscript: I recently partcipated in a friendly online discussion in regards to Islam, and whether it's an inherently violent religion. My views pissed off a certain chap such to the extent that he informed me that I made him 'want to vomit'. Well take a look at his website. I feel strangely good about myself having read his views on vegitarians, faggots, and so on. Maybe he should take some time out to watch Salam Cafe on Channel 31, 'a weekly television program presented by young members of Melbourne’s Muslim community'. And learn some fucking manners.

Further proof, if any was needed, that Sydney is a soul-less bumhole

2005-07-01T13:35:00.000+09:30

As the Howard Government delivers another billowing stream of jism to the faces of its beloved 'battlers' (via its latest IR reforms), here's the responses from Australia's largest cities:

Melbourne: 100,000 protesters

Sydney: (an admittedly flamboyant) 20,000

Cruise control

2005-06-28T12:52:00.000+09:30

With the predictability and swiftness of a multi-spazillion dollar enterprise moving to protect its public image (and its spazillions), psychiatrists in the US have condemned the most recent crazed utterances of Tom Cruise, speaking with Matt Lauer on the NBC Today show whilst promoting his piece-of-shit movie.

Speaking specifically in relation to Brooke Shields, who suffered from postpartum depression, Cruise made such comments as:

But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things. I'm not saying that it isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what-- what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world.

(transcript via You Can't Make It Up)

Can't you just imagine the spittle flying, as he rants this across the coffee table, in the manic style of his Magnolia character, Frank T.J. Mackey? Remember that? "Respect the cock... and tame the cunt! Tame it!" He was nominated for an Academy Award for that shit.

Anyway, I have to say that I'm with Tom where the psychiatric profession is concerned, the wankers. They're still very much about treating the symptom rather than the cause, aren't they? Their technique is always the same -- dope the patient until they snap out of it, or you know, top themselves. You could say the same for the rest of western medicine actually, which is a disgrace given research and development expenditure. Its like the federal government's irresponsibly simplistic ads about pot. Smoking pot will kill you apparently. To say nothing of how it will enhance your enjoyment of video games and bad cinema.

That said, whilst I am the self-appointed defender of unpopular religions, I'm loathe to agree with the ideas of a fucking scientologist. These are people who believe in science and yet somehow, in reincarnation. Cough.

Televisual heads-up

2005-06-27T17:30:00.000+09:30

Yo, how hot does it feel to return from a blogging hiatus with no better excuse than 'i had nothing to say', only to bring you this fatuous message of hope: there is something worth watching on telly.

And it's called Chappelle's Show (Monday, SBS, 9:00pm).

Now I know that in the tear-jerking wake of recent events, you may be left somewhat confused. Some clarity:

Above: Chappelle

Above: Schappelle

Expect to hear the 'n' word (nigger!) approximately 50 kazillion times.

UPDATE: 26 days. Ouch!

Right wing death beasts step in own faeces; grimace

2005-06-01T15:12:00.000+09:30

This week's been one of many U-turns for the right-wing pundits of Australia. We should therefore point and laugh, in the very same manner they do each and every time those of the Left alter or reverse their latte sippin', bum-lovin' stance on something.

(Just to clarify, my personal stance on latte sipping AND bum loving remain resolutely 'for'.)

First up, Bolty calls on the Prime Minister to release with wimmen and kiddies, saying: "ITS TIME FOR MERCY (BECAUSE I FUCKEN SAY SO)"

Fucking unbelievable. How many times has this fuckface berated us for our continued pleas for a bit of relief for asylum seekers?

Then, Piers Akerman - star of television's Insiders - has a bone to pick with the assorted dickheads, bogans and racists who've been calling for some 'freedom' to be dropped onto the towel-head archipelago to our north (in response to the Schappers saga):

The rednecks need to be reined in. They can express their frustration as enthusiastically as they wish but they seriously devalue their cause by resorting to gutter invective.

Of course, there's the totally irrelevant, yet obligatory well-aimed kick to his Left, complete with reference to "freedom":

THE torrent of comment ... is certainly testament to the freedom of speech that exists in Australia, despite the claims of Left-wing activists to the opposite.

But 'rednecks' -- that's fun-ny! Here's some links for you, so we can get some understanding of where this totally ace, hater-of-rednecks is coming from:

What a cunt. Speaking of cunts, Gwen Stefani is one.

Just sayin...

Lazy blog Tuesdays

2005-05-24T10:35:00.000+09:30

Hey what time is it? (I ask this question rhetorically, in the style of a late-80's rapper. Don't say 'tool time'.)

I guess I should explain to my reader(s) the lapse in blogging. Mum, I've been busy at work, you know that.

Some things, from the headlines and elsewhere:

"Locals tell Luna Park owners to move on... so they can build a 50-level condo monstrosity". I was going to sing that old tune about how we're about to see another war on Melbourne inner-suburban culture, waged by the very yuppies that moved in to capitalise on it, a la Fitzroy, but..... fuck it. St Kilda was ruined years ago. That the Espy still stands is a testament to Fred Negro's bawdy cartoons. Or something.

"ALP turmoil as factional fight spreads". Yes, some real dignified shit happening in the Victorian ALP. But I can solve your problem, guys. SACK all of the fuckwitted hangers on and careerist swine that dominate your party, and hand over your seats to the Greens. Then kill yourselves. I’m never voting for you again!

Be warned... more blogging to ensue. I've finally bit the bullet and ordered ASDL at home. Selecting a decent carrier is no picnic, however. Whirlpool is a great place to start, providing detailed info and opinions on most Australian ISPs.

In this week's McSweeneys: Rock 'n' Roll Thesaurized. Observe:

"Purple Haze"BY JIMI HENDRIX
Violet mist completely in my intellect
Recently, effects simply don't give the impression of being
identical
Carrying on humorously; however, I am not acquainted with the reason
Pardon me at the same time as I make out with the atmosphere

(etc.)

Despite being unable to raise myself on Sunday mornings to watch the ABC's excellent Insiders, I know enough to tell you that its the hottest lineup on TV. On a good AM you'll find Bolty line up against sexy champs like Virginia Trioli and David Marr (read this essay). In this spirit, I commend to you this site, an excellent Bolt spoof and a serum for all that ails ye.

Did you hear, did you hear? Trump's packing his fake receptionist and signing off for the year. That's right, The Apprentice has wound up for the season in the US, leaving us with a clear winner: some undertalented fool with a Harvard degree. But its a chick, so that's like, a 'win' for feminism and shit. And so, to celebrate, I give you: "An appreciation of Trump’s right hand woman, Carolyn", brought to you by bunsen.tv.

And finally this (via Gawker):

It made me laugh. And laugh and laugh and laugh.

an affront to decency

2005-05-19T14:39:00.000+09:30

There are no words...

...apart from a frenzied "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"

Our day in the sun

2005-04-26T17:46:00.000+09:30

Its a little known fact, but those who favour tolerance, peace and all round radness (ie. me - and maybe you!) can be just as patriotic as those who wear boat shoes and vote Liberal because "...it would cost me too much to vote for Labor / what gays do is wrong", etc.

And so it was patriotism that saw me watching the Dawn Service live from Anzac Cove on Monday lunchtime. Either that or the fact that the service had blanket coverage on every channel and I had a hangover.

Anyway, I was glad I saw it, whatever the motivation. The speeches from assembled dignitaries were all quite moving – even our John Winston was quite erudite – and it felt appropriate to pay respects to those who gave their lives so that the nation could spend another day in its moccasins.

Traditional ANZAC day attire

Best of all though was the political undercurrent emanating from NZ PM Helen Clark and Chief of the Kiwi Defence Forces, Air Marshal Bruce Ferguson. Despite the fact that Prince Charles was there, they both heaped shit on the Pommy military strategists whose awful, careless decision-making led to a “squandering of life”.

Fergo also dropped this beauty:

Perhaps the Gallipoli campaign was a high-water mark of our nation’s imperial subservience.

Ha ha ha! You Kiwis are behind the times -- we Aussies just upped our "imperial servitude" high water mark last year!

God, I was praying for the camera to pan over to Dear Leader, just to see him squirm at that excellent little dig in the chops. Hmmm. Let’s see – what have we learned from Gallipoli? Fuck all we haven’t repeated in Iraq, obviously.

Good on ‘em. Don’t normally have much time for the old Vowel Flatteners, but that was pure gold.

My Pa served in Milne Bay (PNG) in the WW2 and said that when the British commander dropped them off by troop carriers at the front, he left them words to the tune of “I’ll be back in a jeep to retrieve what’s left of you".

At least the Americans have the courtesy to kiss our necks while they're fucking our arses.

PS while we’re on the topic of Anzac Day, here’s something interesting I stumbled upon whilst constructing this wonderfully researched tome:

Ashley Ekins, senior historian with the Australian War Memorial, explodes Gallipoli myths. In a sexy, slightly right-wing kind of way.
ALSO: Gerard Henderson bursts into tears, runs to sob at mother's bosom. God, read it. It deserves a post of its own.

Winning / losing dichotomy explained

2005-04-20T16:42:00.000+09:30

Winning, of course, means never having to say you're sorry. Except if you're the elected representative of a dickheaded western democracy that expects to be right -- all of the time.

On his way to Tokyo today, our glorious PM suggested that Japan "should be frank about its wartime history".

"I think it's necessary for all countries to be frank about past events," he said, when asked about his feelings on the issue as an Australian who had grown up in the shadow of World War II.

I agree with Mr Howard - frankness is the shiznit. Escpecially when there's this great double standard about war being bad when 'they' do it, but being excellent when we do it. So, um, while we're being frank, what about some apologies for some bad shit we've done? Like - I dunno - the use of napalm on civilian popoluations? Not just in Vietnam, though, but in Iraq as well. (This of course being an act banned by the UN - *snort*, I know - in 1980.)

So while everyone's having a little frankness frenzy, let's recap: we lost the Vietnam war (used napalm / no apology), we won the War Against Camel-jockey Sovereignty (napalm again / no apology required, as "freedom" "secured").

Sooo... that about puts us even stevens since WW2, dunnit?

Keith Fullerton Whitman

2005-04-14T14:49:00.000+09:30

Keith Fullerton Whitman entered my vocab as 'Hrvatski', an addendum to the already swollen Tigerbeat6 family of nutty breakbeat provocateurs. Swarm and Dither was an acclaimed, yet pretty unfriendly minefield of jittery, manufactured electro-squall. At times danceable though.

However, that was just one dimension to a guy who has lectured at Ivy League universities and is a graduate of the Berklee School of Music. (Oh, for a time when being edumacated was something that held currency -- as opposed to our charming, post-9/11 doctrine of "Only a PROFESSOR of foreign affairs? I've got a right wing blog -- touché motherfucker!!")

Ahem. Later in the same year (2002), Whitman reverted to his real name and, via Kranky, bought us Playthroughs; the consolidation of a bunch of work he'd been doing behind the scenes in that enticingly-named genre of 'drone' (namely, his 21:30 for acoustic guitar EP in 2000).

Playthroughs is a work of knee-weakening beauty. He made it largely using guitar, heavily processed through logorithms of his own creation. What results is, perfectly described in his words, "...a very slowly shifting sound-cloud, pure enharmonic sine tones going out of phase and cancelling each other out all across the stereo spectrum."

I say this because, in his unwaveringly academic spirit, he's posted the process behind this brilliance up at his personal website, along with a number of free samples from various stages in its development. Uh, some prior knowledge of the laptop as a musical instrument, VST plugins etc. is assumed...

In other news, this week Pitchfork have interviewed Autechre's Sean Booth, who goes some way to revealing the secrets behind their radness as well. They also have an outrageously incomplete list of band and artist weblogs (includes Moby and Fred Durst, but not Britney - WTF?), and a live review of Bloc Party that goes no way to describe said event at all, rendering it "worthless piss".

JWH: I forgot how much I cared

2005-04-12T12:48:00.000+09:30

Ah yes. Since the last federal election, whereupon we lefties were shown where to shove our "social justice" and our "concern for those less privileged than us" (it was up our bottoms, by the way), I had forgotten just how much value can be gleaned from listening to the animated ramblings of our prime miniature.

These days, the gentle flappings of his little arms accompany a new song. It's about states and federalism. And you'll love it.

(via Currency Lad)

"For some, this is a terrible incursion into states' rights," he said. "In reality, it is the Federal Government stepping in where eight different state systems are failing to deliver what the nation needs."

Of course, dismantling of the state system wouldn't be one of the "big ticket" ideological wins that the Libs will drive through a compliant, majority Senate, would it? I seem to recall the ongoing state/federal stouch revealing opportunism on both sides - especially in regards to the Scoresby Freeway.

But no, says Winners:

...the Prime Minister argued his push was not a betrayal of Liberal traditions advocating more decentralised power - but an extension of liberal principles such as choice, freedom and opportunity.

Yeah! Choice, freedom and opportunity to not have fucking labor government in every cocking bastard State!!!

Steve Bracks was pissed off about being woken up:

"I'm hopeful that good sense will prevail," he yawned contentedly.

My only hope is that any newfound "choice, freedom and opportunity" don't come served Iraq-style. Look into it for us, won't ya Deputy!

Too soon, too soon.

2005-04-07T13:51:00.000+09:30

Hmmm. I could be wrong here, but I'd have to say that in the case of Maria Korp, the woman lying in a persistent vegetative state after being locked in a car boot to die, allegedly by her husband and his lover... uhhh.... DON'T leave the life support switch in the hands of the old man.

Terry Schiavo's one thing, but this bloke is on trial for her attempted murder. I'm just sayin'.

I was going to preface this by apologising for the lapse (!!!) in taste, but anyone who followed the rabid coverage in the Herald-Sun will know that there are no depths left to plumb in this case.

Hun sticks it to the hippies

2005-03-29T18:45:00.000+09:30

Y'all (y'all?) will remember how right before the federal election in October last year, the Herald-Sun (southern division of the Glorious Murdoch Conservo-rag Empire) published a story delicately titled "GREENS BACK ILLEGAL DRUGS!!!!" (exclamation points mine again).

Of course, this story was in no way written as part of a desperate right-wing bid to scare voters away from giving the Greens more power in parliament so they can embarrass our asses in front of Dubya again. No WAY, dudes!

In due course, Bob Brown took this appalling assault on our democracy before the Australian Press Council, who, it emerged yesterday, found the Herald-Scum's story had been "seriously inaccurate and breached the Council's guiding principles of checking the accuracy of what is reported".

The Scum's response is piss funny, defending themselves in typically clipped, house "idiotspeak" style. However, whilst they seem to have been forced to publish the detail of the Press Council's finding, the item is far from apologetic, and ends with the following:

The Press Council said the Herald Sun report was irresponsible journalism and seriously inaccurate.
We reject that finding. You be the judge.

Don't you love it? "You be the Judge!" Yes! Forget the judicial system, forget rule of law (international or otherwise) and FUCK the Press Council! Let the gormless, cross-eyed readers of our tabloid paper decide what’s right or wrong!

UPDATE
Scum fun covered well over at Lefty. I don't know why they don't just stick to what they're good at. Witness today's story, and accompanying image:

Farmer delivers calf, baby

Now THAT's what I like to see in my Herald-Sun!

Around the traps

2005-03-23T16:48:00.000+10:30

Scouring the Aus-blogosphere like a Greeves Street kerb-crawler on pay day, it appears to me that responses to the Tony Abbott “that’s my boy/that’s not my boy” saga are far more entertaining than the story/beatup itself:

Ms Fits says what we all thought upon hearing Tony's preference for the withdrawal method: EW.
Jess at Ausculture made me laff, dubbing it "The World’s Most Perfect Adoption Story Which Proved Abortion Is Naughty Though Hey, Back Off And Don’t Treat This Like A Political Football"
Martin’s plea for clemency – largely gone unheeded around most parts – is understandable, especially for those like me who tent to err on the side of trying not to think about the sex lives of Young Libs, wherever possible.
Currency Lad calls it "anti-Abbott fanaticism" and dredges up the spectre of Iron Mark's taunts, way back in the day when Australia had something worth getting out of bed for, politically speaking.

And there’s something in that. Call me Mr Irrelevant – or even Señor Irrelevant – but remember the election? Remember Tony’s dirt unit? I say anyone who has a dirt unit - especially anyone who's a slimy, scheming turd like Our Tony - deserves all the shit they've dished out to be returned with interest.

Meanwhile, the Salt Shakers (bless them, with their ‘retro’ views!) in today’s Age letters tell us that if Tony had have practiced abstinence – like Guy Sebastian (go the ‘fro!!) – then none of this would have happened. Except for maybe an outbreak of venereal disease!

And can I just say that as part of the Shiavo-related coverage on last night's 7:30 Report, the elderly woman standing in the pro-life protest crowd with a face like a twisted lemon holding a placard reading “Life is Great!!” (exclamation points mine) was one of the most sadly comic things I've seen of late.

On learning to love again in a post-9/11 world

2005-03-22T12:24:00.000+10:30

Jesus, am I joining some kind of gay NME*-designed trend by loving the S-H-I-T out of Death From Above 1979?
* don’t click – you’ll only encourage them.

See, were you to look up, just out of the frame is the death that is approaching from above.

Or maybe I’m sub-consciously “fashionable”, and this is the manifestation of same (choke!!). I liked it back in 2002 when you could use the label “fashion band” on someone, and still secretly – or not so - LOVE them (See: The Strokes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, et al)

Either way, when I turn them on, I want to headbutt an old person and gang-rape a rugby player. In a mates way, as some would say.

YES! A two piece with only bass and a singing drummer is unconventional. But – before I begin ranting about the beauty that IS the wall of sound that only drums/bass can create, let me whisper something lovingly into your ear, dear weblog:

*lightning bolt*

So yeah. DFA1979 - a silly name, incidentally, that came about through the addition of a legally minimal four digits, having been threatened by DFA records. I describe the sound as “adrenaline, mainlined.” The fact that I missed their Australian tour has not helped my feelings of misanthopy and isolation any. But…. yanno.

Kerry sees red (and other witticisms)

2005-03-17T17:29:00.000+10:30

Education Minister Brendan Nelson has abolished compulsory student union fees, and therefore, student unions, therefore on-campus services, and THEREFORE student policticians, hippies, commies, gays etc. (Covered well by Darp).

Cue a week or so of impotent screaming from the afore-mentioned, as Conservative Austraya warms its hands by the fire, sips its cocoa and slips into its moccies.

As I mentioned, Red Kerry was aflame last night when Brendan Nelson stepped up to take his medicine. Nelson might have done well to heed the words that somebody (I forget who) once directed at our federal leadership:

"The difference between an interview and interrogation is this: an interview is what you have with Ray Martin. Interrogation is what you get from Kerry O'Brien"

The ABC transcript doesn't do it justice, but Our Kerry was spitting chips like I've never seen, forcing Nelson into using bullshit student politics as their excuse for unleashing an ideological holy war. He was also forced to admit that students that don't fit his reductive Young Libs "More Beer Party"* uni student profile - like those requiring childcare - are basically fucked.

*yes, I fell for that one in first year at RMIT

.
"Fuckin'......ARRRRGH!"

Hell, if I thought we could get rid of student politicians that easily I'd be all for it. Cast your eyes - for as long as you can before they invert - over the sad, boring sequence of events that finished the Melbourne Student Union. And those fuckers from "More Beer" - I'm sure they had something to do with it as well.

But, says Nelson, its about CHOICE. Why should average Terry McStudent have to subsidise the latte-sipping, French-speaking lifestyles of the cultural elite? Why?

Well while we're on the subject, why can't I opt out of funding farmers? Why do I have to pay for "Operation: Gunpoint Democracy"? Why do I have to pay for kids to be incarcerated?

It's the same as that other conservative wank-bank favorite: de-funding the ABC. Its about amassing ideological 'wins'. The ABC doesn’t match David Flint's fruity ideological profile, so off with their heads! Student leftists are a pain in the arse to beat down at WTO conferences, so now they're getting the axe.

Whew. Stick a fork in me - I'm done.

Eat my shorts

2005-03-16T14:27:00.000+10:30

In recent news:

Right-wing cyclone hits far-north WA
Cyclone Ingrid’s destructive winds demolished an exclusive eco-resort and pummelled an Aboriginal community in Western Australia's far north

Osama captured!
War On Terror finally justified! Non-existent link with Saddam now "verifiable"! Etcetera! (Yuk yuk yuk)

UN finished figuring out who carried out Lebanese assassination
Next, root to be organised in brothel, announces spokesman.
(Or am I the only person unable to shake the grim mental image of a Ray Ban-clad Karl Rove driving out of Beirut moments after the explosion in a red convertible, laughing? )

Hmmm. Ex-PM assassinated... Syria forced to significantly alter foreign policy..... OIL FIELDS DISCOVERED IN LEBANON?!?

The art of obfuscation taken to its logical conclusion - by Christians no less!

2005-03-09T17:06:00.000+10:30

Imagine the stink that would emanate from the right-wing Howardistas were, say, Kevin Rudd to attend a ‘Free Palestine’ convention. “The Labor party is anti semetic!” they’d bellow, spraying us with fetid scone crumbs.

Well, looks like the Mad Monk’s upping the ante, reportedly attending Fred Nile’s “Annual Festival of Light Conference”, which (by all accounts) is to ‘festivity’ and ‘light’ what Michael Jackson is to unmolested children.

From The Age: Abbott to address anti-Islamic confernece (sic)

See, attending anti-Islamic hate rallies is the kind of 'community engagement' we like to see from our elected representatives, innit? But of course, Tony's not alone on his side of the fence -- as demonstrated by the well thought-out perspectives on Muslims touted, ad-nauseum, by Liberal party cheerleader Tim Blair.

"Begone, camel fuckers!!!"

Putting aside the horrifying fact that the only person standing between us and race-hate Armageddon is fucking Meg ‘GST’ Lees, aren’t Christians supposed to respect all kinds? As in, didn’t God explicitly TELL THEM SO?!?

From Galatians 3:28 (New International Version):

28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Girls, girls, girls

2005-03-07T17:18:00.000+10:30

Having spent a weekend unable to climb out of bed in time to, like, DO anything (apart from see Sideways. A film about wine - ugh), the best I could manage was to visit the pares to collect a month’s worth of frozen casseroles, and go see Sunday’s closing night of the excellent What is Music festival.

What is Music has been running for ten years, and is one of the few, real attempts made 'round these parts to promote new, diverse and interesting music (since the decline of Hey Hey, anyway). Additionally, if you ended up standing next to the same hippy I did, you could have been exposed to some new, diverse and interesting smells. I believe the case in point was “pissed-in pants – 4 day mark”. For real.

Anyway. Had you dragged your arse to The Corner last night, you would have been privy to what we dubbed "psychedelic witch-rock" courtesy of Gang Gang Dance, who had kindly come all the way from NYC. There was an element of the compositional with these guys, and some serious percussive freakouts which hinted at misspent childhoods in marching bands. And stage moms who spanked a lot.

Up next was what made it all worthwhile. OOIOO (oh-oh-eye-oh-oh) are the all-girl offshoot of the infamous Boredoms, a band I regrettably described as "shit" a couple of years ago. All japanese and with odd-shaped guitars, they just rocked hard and rocked long. Their creativity is blinding, and at one stage there was a trumpet! Satchmo-riffic!

Above: OOIOO play at another gig that I found on Google

Headliners Black Dice, whilst being admirably "unfashionable for a fashionable band" (quoth my mate), were pretty much an exercise in pummelling, processed noise. Not exactly Sunday nite material, but I'm sad mid-20's granddad who bathes, so what the fuck would I know?

"But you always said Finland had a maudlin quality rendering it unsuitable as a holiday desination"

2005-03-02T15:52:00.000+10:30

"Yeah I know!"

Little Britain (ABC, Wednesdays at 9pm) is the most brilliant show ever.

Once a week I spend a half hour watching this, and laugh until I soil my pants.

Makes for an uncomfortable drive home however, given that I usually watch it at someone else's.

On another soggy contribution to Oz media's Delta Goodrem-derived circlejerk

2005-03-01T12:26:00.000+10:30

You may well ask what the hell I was doing watching 60 Minutes last Sunday night. Certainly, where channel nine is concerned, I choose to playa hate, rather than congratulate. But, in the midst of channel surfing my way through a crippling hangover (subtext: I clearly spent Saturday night drinking – totally not by myself), I came across the little gem that is Peter Overton’s dribble-splattered paean to ‘Our Delta’.

Above: Delta proudly demonstrates her new 'London expat' plummy accent

Now, as has been thoroughly explored over at TSSH, ‘Our Delta’ (OD for shorts) is the byproduct of an unholy three-way between News Corp, NineMSN and the Centre for Independent Strategic Studies. That last one I made up, but the other two act as defacto publicity machines to sell her limp records to the unimaginative proles of Austraya, whilst turning some serious coin off the back of her “rags to riches story”, her “triumph of the human spirit”, and her “inspirational journey”.

But my issue’s not with Delta, despite my deep suspicion over how the convenient “Poo ‘n’ Paris” sob story was used to cover up the Brian McFathead saga. My problems are with people who probably write “journalist” or “scribe of the people” or “keeper of the fifth estate” on their tax return, yet churn out this kind of excrement:

PETER OVERTON: She's certainly had a rough time these last few years, but you'd never know it. What you always see is the happy, bubbly Delta Goodrem. She's very good at putting on a brave face, hiding the pain and the hurt.
PETER OVERTON: It seems that Delta's star has been on the rise from the very beginning.

Of course, it wasn’t all sycophantic runnypoos – some of it was pretty hard hitting! Observe:

PETER OVERTON: I admit I used to grab a hairbrush, sit in front of the mirror and try to sing.
DELTA GOODREM: It's brilliant. We all know it's great fun.
PETER OVERTON: You did that too?
DELTA GOODREM: Of course I did.

Outpouring of male angst at levels unseen since the last Incubus gig

2005-02-25T16:10:00.000+10:30

Damien Forster’s op-ed piece in today’s Age has elicited stroppy responses from far and wide. Balls in hand, he weighs into the “birthrate debate” with abandon; suggesting that perhaps the ladies of today are having altogether too much trouble shoehorning today's men into a marriage with kids because, well, shoehorning anyone into anything sucks!

I use little finger flexes around birthrate debate, because, let's face it: its not so much a debate as a repeatedly bellowed demand: "MEN! Do that thing with your DINGLE DANGLE and GET A FUCKIN' NIGHT JOB!!"

Looking around the world, its pretty hard to come at the idea that the human race is in any danger of dying out. In fact, I'd suggest that being a little less fertile than some of our neighbours is how we're "comfortable" enough to be cool about being lied to by our political leaders. Repeatedly!

What's with this posse of fake feminists that persistently raise this non-issue? They're often the same ones who supported the wars on Afghanistan and Iraq 'for feminist reasons' -- like, you gotta level the village to save the ladeez in it, y'see. For me, this ongoing campaign to get us footloose young professional-types to produce kiddies - NOW!!! - seems a little bit too ripped out of the Family First party policy docs. What's the rush guys? Everyone else is producing kids like crazy - why do we have t... Ohhh... because the ones doing all the producing ain't, well, white. Riiiight.

Then there's those who just like to fan the flames of the old "gender wars". You know -- the ones that make being single so much fun. Dr Leslie Cannold, whose recent publishing efforts include What, No Baby? Why women have lost the freedom to mother and how they can get it back reckons:

The truth is that men can derail women's maternity plans by failing to partner, failing to prove themselves good father material or simply refusing to have the children that they promised their spouse years earlier they would want "one day".

Others, like The Age's Sushi Das kinda agree with me on the "WHAT fertility crisis?" thing, but had a crack anyway:

Some young men are too self-absorbed, too career-oriented, or stuck in a sort of ill-groomed, selfish immaturity, for a woman to feel they would be able to provide a stable and loving environment in which to bring up children.

One thing guys: isn't it the individual's responsibility to figure out when they're going to make the committment that will define their lifetime? For social conservatives, y'all have some alarmingly totailitarian world views!

Once again, I'll close with some Bill Hicks, from his Relentless CD:

What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

"But see, here's their argument for that, each and every time: "But we have to protect the children, we have to protect the children." Let me tell you something, children are smarter than any of us, you know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full-time job and children.

My 2004 hi-five

2005-02-22T16:12:00.000+10:30

In the interests of providing a positive perspective in contrast to last entry’s “everyone-listens-to-gay-music-because-they’re-gay”, here’s the top five albums I listened to in 2004 because I thought it would make me look cool.

Just headed you off at the pass, didn’t I?

1. !!! – Louden up now (Warp) – 'All you fuckin squares better say your fuckin prayers'. An album with equal parts funk, dub and punk, this is a veritable affront to 'squares'. With massive buildups and dancefloor crescendos, it's a party record that is somehow complex and smart. Thanks to these guys, who share members with our beloved Out Hud, we can learn to love/dance again!

2. Liars - They were wrong so we drowned (Mute) – So we all popped boners for 2001’s They Threw Us All in a Trench and Stuck a Monument on Top, an album title I’ll always associate closely with the onset of ironic hairstyles, like the faux-hawk. And then they ditched fashion, locked themselves in a haunted house and concocted this weirdness. Soaked in noise, spooky chanting and churning rhythms, its a hard listen. I was lucky enough to be introduced at their Oct 2003 gig at Melbourne’s Hifi Bar and Ballroom, with headliners Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

3. Iron & Wine – Our endless numbered days (Sub Pop) – We all loved it – even some of us rock kids – as Beamy got his ass into a studio. Whispered lyrics, luscious slide guitar and beatific harmonies abounded. I missed the smokeless Corner gig, but this goes into my record collection as one that I won’t shake my head over in 20 years. As opposed to those appearing above, ahem. What can I say? I finally bought the indie-schmindie hype and I loved it.

4. Qua - Painting monsters on clouds (Surgery Records) – how did all you homos miss this? Yes, I admit, it’s a bit of a return to the wanky IDM days we all pretend we didn’t have, but this is some choice local (Melbourne!) shit! Do I sense a bit of ye olde local “culcha cringe”, á la how every time you go to see an international band now, they come on at midnite because of the 5 hours of “enforced” local content, hmmm?

5. Joanna Newsom – The milk-eyed mender (Drag City) – Ah. The milk eyed mender. Yes, colour me on the bandwagon for this one too. So maybe this was a weak year for music! So maybe I’m entitled to go all black-framed-glasses on yo' ass! Say whatever you need to, but this was fucking brilliant. I can even forgive those shitty, organ-grinder ones for those harp plucked melodies and the girl with the cracking voice. Ten out of ten!!

The death of cool

2005-02-21T17:11:00.000+10:30

Dudes, your repeated and tortured references to the Arcade Fire notwithstanding, iPods are no longer cool.

I believe it happened at Christmas time. Dunno about you, but whilst in the throes of buying shitty presents for my loved ones, I noticed a lot of iPods being purchased that were doomed to spend eternity having The Eagles - Greatest Hits album set to repeat by fat, middle-aged fingers.

I read their sales went through the roof, and now one in ten whites has one. Well ain’t that some shit -- I wish that guy on the tram would realise, and stop his fucking smirking.

I guess it’s kind of self-evident that the rise of the iPod would not improve people’s tastes in music, but it’s well commented on here nonetheless. I mean, they look lovely and all, but as this guy once said:

The whole concept of an iPod is to cram a lot of music in a small portable space by lowering the sound quality of the music. Why don't you just hum? That sounds like complete shit and it's every song you could want.

Anyway, to wrap up on iPods (and to mitigate the tone of the preceding that makes me out to be a right cunt), I say if portability's your thing, and you want to take it to the disco, the party, whatever, then GREAT. But if I see you on the tram, and I yank on those fancy white headphones only to find they're connected to a tape walkman from 1986, then prepare for a kicking.

(Hipsters, don’t be sad! T-Mobile ‘Sidekicks’ are totally what the kids are rockin now, anyways. Check it: Paris Hilton’s, complete with photos of boobs and lez pashing. So totally hot.)

V-day

2005-02-15T16:07:00.000+10:30

I agree, yesterday certainly was Valentines Day. I want to know how come there’s a specific day when you’re obligated to pay $30 for a handful of pissweak roses that have a life expectancy of exactly one hour, but there’s no sanctioned day where you have free reign to punch in the face every fucking person who, throughout the year, has faux-casually asked “so when are you guys getting married?” and makes your girlfriend stare at you in an unkind way?

These were the same people who acted shocked when you admitted you hadn’t seen “Chicago” starring Richard Gere and Bridget Jones yet, and indicated that you in fact would rather make fuck with a hot barbecue.

"Inspect that, you butt-fucking mother-fucker! Fuck you, Hans Bwix, you cock fuck!"

2005-02-11T16:09:00.000+10:30

Wow... scary.

I guess after playing 'bully to the world' so successfully over the last fifty years, it must be a nasty surprise for the US Government having this little dweeb dack them so publicly.

Still, they don't seem too worried! Hmmm. I guess a little diplomacy at this point - now that he's threatening to KILL US ALL - might be an idea? Hell, they should send Condi over! She seems to have those cheese-eating surrender-faggots eating out of the palm of her hand!

Shit guys, you might have to step up production of DEMOCRACY(tm) and FREEDOM(tm) -- looks like someone else is asking for some!

UPDATE: Rummy knocks on NATO's door, asks "Uh...guys?"

Who needs satire?

2005-02-09T17:43:00.000+10:30

Why wait all week for The Onion to be updated when our favourite Melbourne-based Murdoch shitrag is published daily?

Compare and contrast:

Final Aussie tsunami toll 27 (Herald-Sun, 9/2)

AUSTRALIA'S final tsunami death toll will not exceed 27, down from the hundreds initially feared.... etc etc....

Tsunami Death Toll Rises To 36 Americans (The Onion, 19/1 - item in the side panel)

MEMO: Peter Blunden, Editor of the Herald-Sun: Die.

ATP To Proceed Without Me For Third Year In Row

2005-02-04T13:49:00.000+10:30

You know how sometimes, two things that you love most in the world and that occupy that small place right next to your heart (the 'perineum'?) collide, and it almost becomes too much for you to bear?

Well, when I read that All Tomorrow's Parties - English rock festival au gratin du jour - is being curated by Vincent Gallo this year... I must admit that a little pee escaped.

Prince Vince

When I lived in London for two years in '01 to '02, those limey surrender monkeys made me sick. I mean, it was excellent, and I enjoyed everything british cuisine had to offer. In reality, like everyone else, I drank to excess, became fat, and allowed these cunts to remove two of my teeth in a procedure best described as ‘sexy, yet horrific’. ‘Sexy’ because the dentist trainee looked like Patsy Kensit. ‘Horrific’ because afterwards I resembled Liam Gallagher's retarded brother.

Anyway, on both years I gleefully attended All Tomorrow's Parties, which is held near Rye, East Sussex. 100 pounds would get you two night's “chalet” accommodation at ‘Pontin’s’, (and I urge you to one day discover how one person ‘chalet’ is another's ‘council flat’), and access to 12 hours a day of the finest music going at any one time - live.

As you will see in their archive, ATP was curated by Tortoise, and then Shellac (the greatest band in the world) on the two years I was able to attend. The lineup in ‘01 included Autechre, Boards Of Canada, Broadcast, Calexico, Cannibal Ox, Derek Bailey, Lambchop, Neil Hamburger, Prefuse 73, Sun Ra, Television, The Sea And Cake, US Maple and Yo La Tengo. Failure to pop a boner at the mention of these bands was, at the time, considered “gay”. Then in ‘02, Shellac bought us Blonde Redhead, Bonnie Prince Billy, GYBE!, Low, Melt Banana, The Breeders, the third coming of WIRE (!!!), and many more.

So do we love ATP? Hell yes. I'm sorry, but after three consecutive days of getting shitfaced, smoking hash and watching some CUTTING EDGE SHIT(tm) live on stage while it pisses rain at a depressing British holiday resort, the Big Day Out, with their drug busts and lineup of limp has-beens, seems a little Maxine McKew to your Kerry O’Brien.

So anyway, this years’ will be curated by Vincent Gallo – everyone’s favourite hipster Republican (memo to Dick Cheney: when was the last time YOU were big on the underground NY art scene in the 80's?) The guy who wrote the greatest album ever to feature a love song for Paris Hilton. (memo to Pitchfork: site v. v. hard to read with the flashing Suicide Girls hotness) The guy who debuted as a filmmaker with Buffalo 66. And the guy who has this to say to anyone wanting to leave nasty posts at his self-adulatory website:

If I notice any polluted messages, which usually come from bitter, jealous,
ugly, poorly-hung men, who are unhappy at work and wished their whole life to be
like me, I will remove these unproductive nasty little posts and I would like to
say to these twisted queers and half-men, I feel sorry for you. All I ever
wanted to do was be me. I hope one day you feel the same about yourself and
release yourself from the petty, small-minded urges of polluting this message
board and distracting its wonderful members. So go ahead and say whatever you
want nasty about me, but know that we will all know by your insults just how
small your pecker really is and how miserable your life has always been and how
long it's been since any girl under 500 pounds responded to your cheap lines at
the local pub.

Oh yeah, and apparently HE'S got no problems in the pecker dept…

B.D.O. TKO

2005-02-01T15:49:00.000+10:30

God forbid that I should ever give a rats arse about the fate of anyone from Sydney (I jest, non-existent community of avid readers), but fuck!

Seems this year’s Big Day Out ‘sold out’ in more ways than one as, with Government cock planted firmly in anus, they allowed police with sniffer dogs into a ROCK FESTIVAL, resulting in 200 arrests. Yes, that’s right – a rock festival with DRUG POLICE in it.

I dunno. Call me a purist, but isn’t there something really fucking wrong about this?

As Bill Hicks, the greatest American comedian that ever lived, once said:

“If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then do me a favour. Go home tonight and take all of your records, tapes and all your CDs and burn them. Because, you know all those musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal fuckin high on drugs.”

Not one of his funnier moments, but certainly the most truthful.

Of course, when quizzed about his own drug use, Hicks liked to say he used “no more than your average touring funk band.” So here we have an immediate example of how drug use contributed to some of the greatest and most incisive comedy to be created in America. Mmmkay?

But of course, in Australia - another News Limited police state - a group of people aren't allowed to get together in a big, safe place and enjoy music in the manner in which it was intended. What is it with the non-declared 'war on drugs'? I thought if Western governments were going to declare war on an abstract noun, they'd spin the shit out of it, all Ari-styles!

Think I'm joking about the Murdocracy's drug fetish, check out the hysterical and self righteous reporting by all News outlets on any drug-related issue.

"Yeehaw! Next, we's gonna 'reignite debate' on whether the planet's round!"

2005-02-01T11:33:00.000+10:30

Nationals Senator Ron Boswell has called on Health Minister Tony Abbott to reignite debate on the "abortion epidemic".

Awesome! Thanks to last November's re-election of the Liberal party, we with the opposable digits all get to spend the next three years watching conservatives gleefully burn our sacred cows like books on a Nuremburg bonfire:

"How 'bout this? It says 'freedom of the press!'"

"Burn it, Billy-Bob!"

"What about this one here? 'Seperation of church and state'?"

Meanwhile, these fuckers operate on the assumption that, y'know, ladies go get abortions just for fun sometimes. The cheeky tykes.

NKOTB

2005-01-31T15:27:00.000+10:30

Hey. You know this as well as I do, but you can only write so many unpublished letters to editor and emails to prominant political pundits and politicians before you get sent to Guantanimo Bay. Erm, I mean get thoroughly shat off and decide to publish these thoughts -- these fine, orginal and INESTIMABLY VALUABLE thoughts -- to the InterWeb. Conversely, sometimes you just want to post about how totally rad the Ramones are/were. That's ok too.

Now before you accuse me of doing an ill-timed Daniel Johns-style dive into the moshpit that is the Aus blog community, please know that I had an off-chops Diaryland page from '98 - 2000 that had a fan base of comprising 12 teenage girls from Minnesota, and am therefore an Internet mainstay.